{"id":14153,"date":"2024-06-30T23:32:21","date_gmt":"2024-07-01T05:32:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/therapyinanutshell.com\/?p=14153"},"modified":"2024-07-01T00:05:38","modified_gmt":"2024-07-01T06:05:38","slug":"boundaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/therapyinanutshell.com\/boundaries\/","title":{"rendered":"Boundaries for Anxious Folk. 10 rules for setting boundaries."},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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People with anxiety often struggle with boundaries, and that\u2019s partly because setting a boundary makes them anxious and not holding a boundary makes them anxious. And because many people with anxiety are sensitive and empathetic, they\u2019re more likely to sacrifice their own needs and wants than to set boundaries on others.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

If you tend to be anxious, I bet the thought of setting boundaries makes you cringe a little.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Someone with anxiety might say yes to every request at work, they might take on too many tasks, get overwhelmed, and feel stressed and exhausted because they didn\u2019t say no. Relationships require a lot of boundaries, on your space, on your time, on your body and resources. And that\u2019s just normal for healthy relationships, but dealing with toxic people requires even more intense boundary setting.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

If you want to manage depression or anxiety, you need to set boundaries.<\/span><\/p>

Anxious people often <\/span>swing between massively<\/b> overbooking themselves and cutting everything out. They try to do everything for everyone, and then when they\u2019re finally ready to say no, they swing to the opposite side, cutting people off or burning bridges.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

When you get good at boundaries, they are so clear that you don\u2019t have to do some huge thing, you just send a small clear message about what you will and won\u2019t let into your life. And when you get good at boundaries, your anxiety will decrease. Clear boundaries are essential to good relationships and personal well-being.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

In this video, you\u2019ll learn the 3 faulty beliefs people have about boundaries, the beliefs that hold you back and keep you stuck and then you\u2019ll learn the 3 simple steps to setting boundaries that you can feel confident about.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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What are Boundaries? And Why are They so Hard? <\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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Sometimes when people think about boundaries they think what it means is telling other people what they can and can’t do. But boundaries really mean what you will and won\u2019t allow in your life. It\u2019s like a fence, with a gate. What do you keep out? And what do you let in?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Good boundaries are based on values<\/b>. They help you set limits on what you do with your time, energy and resources so that you protect what is most important to you. So of course I\u2019m going to ask you to explore what you DO want. Getting clear on your boundaries might require you to sit down pretty frequently to reassess what you do and don\u2019t want in your life. Anxiety is about uncertainty, the opposite is clarity. So write this stuff down.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

  • What do you want your life to be about?\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m going to say no to my boss about that assignment, even though it might impact my promotion, because I choose to be less stressed and spend more time with my family.\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/li>
  • How do you choose to spend your time? Instead of \u201csorry I don\u2019t have time for that\u201d (which is better than setting no boundaries) say <\/span>\u201cMy plate is as full as I\u2019d like it to be right now, I\u2019ll have to decline.\u201d <\/span><\/i>Good boundaries look like <\/span>\u201cI\u2019ve intentionally chosen how I want to spend my time, instead of letting others determine my schedule.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/li>
  • What kind of relationships do you want to invest in? What kind do you want to open your heart to? <\/span>Before setting boundaries, it’s essential to recognize your own needs, feelings, and desires. Spend time reflecting on what makes you feel comfortable, respected, and valued and the kind of person that you want to be, the home that you want to have. <\/span>\u201cI want a family where we treat each other respectfully, so if you start getting heated, I\u2019m going to take a\u00a0 break and come back when you\u2019re calm.\u201d <\/span><\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/li><\/ul>

    Relationships are probably one of the most complex systems in the universe, I mean that seriously. So I won\u2019t pretend that we can really cover all of that in one video, but you can learn to set better boundaries. First, let\u2019s talk about 3 faulty beliefs that stop you from setting boundaries.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    (1) Let go of the false belief that making others feel good is nice <\/b>and saying no is mean. Be honest with yourself, most of the time, when you don\u2019t set a boundary, it\u2019s not because you don\u2019t want the other person to feel bad, it\u2019s because you don\u2019t want yourself to feel bad about them feeling bad. It can actually be quite self-serving (in the short term) to avoid setting needed boundaries, you avoid them because you\u2019re uncomfortable, not because it\u2019s kind or helpful or the right thing to do.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

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    Sometimes setting a hard boundary is the kindest thing you can do. Telling your child no, you won\u2019t buy them that toy, might make them feel sad, but can help them develop into a healthier human who can delay gratification. It\u2019s not a balance between being nice sometimes and mean other times, it\u2019s about choosing what\u2019s best for yourself and others.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

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    If you don\u2019t tell your spouse what you do and don\u2019t like, you may be keeping them from feeling upset for a moment, but undermining the relationship in the long run. It may look nice, but it\u2019s not kind, it\u2019s not helpful. Being nice is trying to walk on eggshells and never upset anyone, being kind is doing what\u2019s best for people.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    And, trying to make sure everyone else is happy all the time is actually poor boundaries, it\u2019s codependent, you\u2019re trying to control their emotions by bending over backwards for them. It\u2019s not good for them or yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Allow other people to be upset. Allow other people to be responsible for their own feelings.<\/span><\/p>

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    (2)The second false belief is that boundaries are about telling other people what they can and can\u2019t do.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    With healthy boundaries, you set a limit on what you can control.<\/b>\u00a0 You can only control what you can control. <\/span>Your time, your body, your emotions, your energy, your property.\u00a0 Saying \u2018You can\u2019t talk to me that way\u201d is not a boundary, it\u2019s a command that you can\u2019t enforce. \u201cIf you talk to me that way, I will hang up\u201d that\u2019s a boundary. \u201cIf you talk to me that way,I will not reply\u201d \u201cI will walk away\u201d, \u201cyou won\u2019t get allowance\u201d, those are boundaries.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

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    Good, clear boundaries focus on what you can control and let go of what you can\u2019t. Stop trying to change other people, this makes you helpless, instead focus on setting limits on what comes into your fence and what goes out.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

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    Don\u2019t freak out about weeds in your neighbor\u2019s lawn. Just focus on what you can change.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

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    This requires you to allow other people to fail. <\/span>I don\u2019t have to fix it.<\/span>\u00a0 Allow other people to succeed. <\/span>\u00a0I can allow someone else to be wrong. <\/span>Allow things to not go perfectly. Good boundaries aren\u2019t about control, they\u2019re about clarifying what you can and can\u2019t control, what you do and don\u2019t choose to control.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

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    (3)Don\u2019t wait until you \u201cFeel\u201d something to set a boundary. <\/b>Don\u2019t wait for your child to agree with you to set a boundary. Don\u2019t wait until you don\u2019t feel guilty or anxious to say \u201cNo\u201d to someone. Because you care about people, it\u2019s hard to see them upset. But you have to be willing to feel uncomfortable in order to do the right thing. You can’t just wait until the feeling goes away before you make the choice to do it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

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    Because you might have a habit of avoiding things that make you anxious, setting boundaries in relationships is hard but you really can do this, and the more you do it, the better you\u2019ll get at it. Once you figure out the principles, what to do comes more naturally.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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    3 Steps to Setting a Boundary. \n<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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    There are <\/span>3 steps to setting a boundary.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>

    1. Make a request<\/span><\/li>
    2. IF-THEN<\/span><\/li>
    3. Be Consistent.\u00a0<\/span><\/li><\/ol>

      (1) The first level of any good boundary is to make a request. <\/b>Will you please stop shouting, it\u2019s hurting my ears. This is also a good time to make an explanation. Hey neighbor, I\u2019ve noticed that your dog keeps pooping in my yard. I really don\u2019t like finding poop in my yard. Would you please pick up after him? Thanks so much.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

      Good communication skills come in key here. <\/b>Clearly and assertively communicate your needs to others. Use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need, e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when I have too many tasks. I need to say no to additional requests right now.” Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest way while respecting the rights of others. It’s neither passive nor aggressive. It\u2019s straightforward, respectful of yourself and others, and it\u2019s direct and clear. This first step is also a fine time to listen to their needs, to empathize, to problem solve or even negotiate a mutual solution.<\/span><\/p>

      When you look for examples of boundaries, most of them are actually requests:<\/span><\/p>