Read on to learn about setting a boundary.
One of the biggest problems I see people have when they’re learning to set boundaries is learning the difference between setting a boundary and trying to control someone. And I found this ridiculous video that shows some great examples of the difference. Now this video is a little intense, and I’m not saying that either of these guys are setting a good example of how to set boundaries, but when you analyze it you can clearly see the difference between a power struggle and a boundary.
The Helmet Cam Video
OK, let’s watch this helmet cam video, it’s about 57 seconds, I’m going to bleep the profanity.
OK, let’s slow things down for a second. The first thing we have on this video is the dad saying “If you ride your motorcycle in the park again, I’m calling the cops” Now I’m not just going to react to this video- I’m actually going to analyze it so that we can learn from it.
Now he’s clearly very emotional, and he’s acting aggressively with his finger in the kids’ face, but he has actually set a boundary here. (chime) If you do A…Then I will do B. This is the definition of a boundary; you express what is in your control- you have the ability to call the cops. Go for it.
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is a boundary when it’s an action within your control. You can’t (legally, physically) force the kid to stop riding his motorcycle, but you can dial your phone.
Now it might be easy to hate on this dad, because he’s clearly lost control of his emotions a little, but can I just say, last fall I was in the neighborhood park and a guy was doing jumps at 30-40mph over a ridge where he couldn’t see the landing zone and I was there with my kids, and I absolutely would have called the cops if he didn’t stop. (But I didn’t yell or swear at him.)
Anyways, this was actually a boundary, and sometimes when you set a boundary you get a little emotional, or your voice shakes, or you cry, but this was indeed a boundary.
We could have a different conversation about how to set boundaries calmly and assertively, how to not be aggressive or passive, but we’re just focusing on the difference between a power struggle and a boundary here.
Now as soon as he jumps to “You understand me. This is where kids play…” now he’s slipping, because now he’s trying to control something that he can’t control, he’s trying to get the kid to agree with him, he’s trying to get the kid to submit to him.
And he’s playing right into the kid’s hand:
“Kids are at school” “They’re not” again, he’s trying to convince the kid, to use force of argument. He’s trying to control something that he can’t control, what someone else thinks or says. And the kid now sees a chance to struggle for control-
Now we accidentally do this all time time, many people do it in a “nice” way -”please don’t talk to me that way” “Please respect my space” “turn down the music “Please fill up my car when you borrow it” “That’s offensive” But these aren’t boundaries, these are requests. You’re trying to control other peoples’ behaviors, but when we can’t control them it’s a request, a boundary is about something we can control “You can’t drive my car for 2 weeks if you don’t fill it up when you’re done this time, and then you take away the keys”
So, boundaries are about what you actually can change, trying to control someone else is wasting a lot of energy trying to change someone else- how they act, how they think or feel or talk. As soon as you’re trying to convince someone to agree with you or submit to you, you’re engaged in a power struggle.
I once had a client tell me “I told my fiance “Please don’t talk to me that way” but she said it 71 times in a row while he ranted at her.
Setting a Boundary
When you set a boundary, it’s ok to express your desires, but that is a request. A boundary is saying…if you do A then I’m going to do B. If you talk to me that way, I’m going to walk away. When you clean up your toys, then you can play outside. If your room isn’t clean, you can’t watch TV (I have the remote).
The kid here actually tries to deescalate here, briefly, but the dad flies in with more attempts at control, swearing aggressively, (control)
And then finally, restating his boundary.
Now the kid’s doing the hand talking thingy… he’s trying to regain his sense of control by saying “you can’t tell me what to do”
This isn’t actually a boundary, because he doesn’t do it, it’s a threat, but he doesn’t follow through.
The kid, reasserting that he can’t be controlled.
Again, a threat, an attempt to control.
Boom, that’s an excellent boundary. Calmly stated. Accurate, within your realm of control.
Again with the threats, this isn’t a boundary because he doesn’t have the ability to enforce it. It’s like saying “If you don’t do your chores, I’ll ground you for the rest of your life” you physically can’t enforce that, so it’s not a boundary. You can call the cops, you can walk away, you can take video of him riding in the park, but dad can’t control what happens after the cops come.
This is the part where we learn that the best way to set a boundary is to say less, not more. If you ever catch yourself in an argument with your kids about the philosophical nature of making their bed, you probably need to talk less and simply say, “no screen time until your room is clean” and walk away. Trying to convince someone to agree with you is a form of power struggle. (and I’m not talking about teaching or setting up routines to help your kids, you know what I mean…when you get sucked into a debate, they’re trying to regain power in a situation.
Ooh, half and half…the first half was a boundary the second have was an attempt to force him to agree with you.
So what should he have done? Take a big breath. 1. Stop the kid and have a calm, respectful conversation. 2. Explain to him his worries. 3. Set a boundary if you do that again, I’m calling the cops. 4. Stop talking and follow through with your action.
Setting boundaries in intense situations can be really hard, so it’s best to practice over and over in small situations. Asking for a different table at a restaurant, or rehearsing what you’re going to say to the kid’s parents, etc.
This guy probably relives that conversation in his head a bunch, so he can practice it there, for the next time.
- Your loud music is keeping me up at night, could you please turn it down (request)
- “If you don’t turn it down, I will report your to the HOA” walk away
- Follow through. if the music is loud again, call the HOA
If you find yourself attempting to convince someone else to be decent, to be respectful, to change their opinion, if you find yourself debating, arguing, or building resentment. Then you’re probably trying to control things that you can’t control (ie other people)
Let’s say the serenity prayer together, though with a little variation. God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
