Hate Affirmations? How to Improve your Self-Esteem Anyway

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Do you want to improve your self-esteem? In this post, Emma talks about how you can improve your self-esteem. 

I used to always be super critical of myself. And I hated positive affirmations. I couldn’t buy them, they just sounded fake and stupid. Honestly, they made me feel worse.

Other stuff helped me be kinder to myself and build my self-esteem, but I just never liked positive affirmations. And I know that so many of my clients have felt the same way. So today, we’re going to talk about what you can do to improve your self-esteem even if you hate positive affirmations. 

Nutshell

OK, so those of you who follow me know that I like to climb. 

Last summer for my friend’s 40th birthday I went climbing with my favorite people, we’ve been climbing together for like 14 years. And somehow during that time, I got older and had 4 kids, so we go to the crag, and I hop on a route that I used to do…and I flail, I can’t even get up the start…and the negative self talk begins:

  • “I’m so old”
  • “I’m so weak”
  • “I’m so bad”
  • “This route is too hard.” “This limestone is too slippery” 

Now, I recognized these lines pretty quickly. I got into the bad habit of beating myself up when I was a teenager, and it took years to undo. In my 20’s and 30’s I did a lot of work on my self-esteem, but once in a while, these old thoughts will crop up again. So I’m going to teach you a few things that have helped me replace negative self-talk with something healthier.

Negative self-talk is really common for people with anxiety or depression, it’s probably one of the leading causes of low self-esteem. I’ve heard clients say:

  • I’m such a loser
  • I can’t do anything right!
  • It’s all my fault this happened
  • I can’t handle this!
  • Why am I such an emotional wreck?!
  • I’m so stupid!
  • Nobody likes me
  • I should be better at this by now.

This negative self-talk just seems to come really easy for many of us. 

But…If I were to just try to say to myself some positive climbing affirmations:

  • I’m the best climber
  • I’m a great climber
  • “I’m so strong, fit, young” 

I would feel super stupid, I just can’t buy it. For me, and for many of my clients, it never works to just replace the negative self-talk with positive affirmations. 

Now the old me would have maybe gotten really frustrated and down, but I think I’m learning a bit as I go on in life…So here’s 5 strategies that have helped me improve how I talk to myself, which has improved how I feel about myself- and how I feel in general. 

OK, here’s the first one. 

1. Let’s Question the narrative

The first step is to question all of this negative self-talk. 

When I hear someone use exaggerated language, all or nothing–I’m the worst, I never do anything right! I’m a complete failure!–then I know they’re not seeing clearly.

I’m serious. If you can’t say a single nice about yourself you’re not seeing yourself clearly. You have a blinder on that is subconsciously blocking out the good things about you. 

Can we be honest here? 

If you had a friend in the exact same situation, and you would speak differently about them than yourself, you have to admit that you aren’t being fully honest. 

But for ourselves, we too often let our emotions shape our perception. Your negative self-talk might feel true, but it isn’t actually true. (Snarky) That’s called emotional reasoning. You feel scared, so then you think “Everyone hates me” but your only evidence is a feeling, not reality. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Perhaps we want to believe that we are bad because this belief protects us in some way. If I’m “Just bad at math” then maybe that belief protects me from trying hard. Hoping that you might not actually be a “terrible human being” requires you to keep trying, to be a little vulnerable, to take accountability. 

You’ve got to be willing to question your thoughts. This is going to open up some space to let something more helpful or honest come in. So questioning your negative self-talk can help you soften it a little. 

2. Shift to Neutral Language

Instead of trying to say something super duper positive, shift to more neutral language. 

I couldn’t believe it if I said “I’m an amazing climber and I’m definitely going to climb this route perfectly!” Stuff like this (World’s best boss mug) makes me want to barf a little. 

But I can get behind

  • I’m trying hard
  • I’m getting stronger
  • I’m tough
  • Look at me move uphill incrementally
  • It’s great to be back here with my friends

When I’m being honest with myself, I can see that all those statements are true.

So for example, change “I’m terrible at this” to “I’m learning how to do this” or “This is challenging, but I’m trying my best.” You can’t go from a couch potato to a marathoner in one day, you can’t go from beating the crap out of yourself mentally to being super duper confident and positive. But this is a skill you can learn. 

Let’s break down these first two steps with some examples.

  • “I’m the worst person ever” – Let’s challenge this thinking- is it true? Are you actually the worst person ever? I mean…I can think of a few people who might be worse. You’re probably exaggerating here. Let’s be more honest and reframe to neutral – “I did some things right, and I made some mistakes.”
  • How about this one? “I’m a terrible friend.” Are you really a terrible friend? You can challenge this thinking by looking for exceptions. There was that time you were such a good listener for Martha, or the time you helped out Fred. 

We aren’t doing this to justify bad behavior, but rather to see more clearly and honestly. Because you can’t make real progress by lying to yourself. You’ve got to acknowledge both sides of yourself, that you do some good and you make some mistakes. And when you can do that, you’re going to build some traction. 

3. Acknowledge your progress/growth

OK, #3, let’s get clear on the person you want to be so you can know if you’re building up a good, purposeful life. 

I worked for a pizza restaurant for about 4 years to save for college, and at this restaurant we were supposed to pay 50% of the cost of the food that we ate, but sometimes the manager would give us a pizza, or sometimes there would be a pizza that someone called in but never picked up. And that pizza would surreptitiously be taken into the dishroom and me and my coworkers would eat it. But also, sometimes, I would just make myself a salad and some garlic toast and go eat it in the dishroom too. I justified what I was doing by saying “they don’t pay me enough” or “The manager sometimes lets us have free food”. But one day I was filling out a job application for a different job and it asked “Have you ever stolen from your employer” Check yes or no.  And in that moment I knew that I was being dishonest with myself, and I was stealing. At that moment, any positive self-talk would have been a form of self-justification, an excuse for me not living up to the kind of person I wanted to be – honest, upright, trustworthy. 

So instead of trying to talk myself into liking myself, the next time I went back to work, I asked my boss if I could talk with him and told him that I’d been taking food without paying for it. This was so uncomfortable! I definitely cried a little bit!  But he was kind and he said “Go ahead and pay me back what you think you owe”. And I did. I made it right. And that felt amazing!

Now, when I realized I had been stealing, if in that moment, I had beaten myself up with negative self-talk (Emma you’re a terrible human being! You are despicable!) or if I had justified myself (Emma, they don’t even know how great an employee you are, so really they owe you pizza) neither of those ways of talking to myself would have helped me line my actions up with the kind of person I want to be. I want to be honest, upright, and trustworthy. That starts with me being honest and clear with myself, which sounds like “I am trying to be a good person, but I made a mistake. I’m going to try and fix it so that I can work toward being more trustworthy.” 

Now none of us are going to make the right choices all the time, we’re all going to make mistakes, so how can we still talk to ourselves in a healthy way? 

You get clear on the kind of person you want to be- I want to be honest, loving, trustworthy.

You strive to be this person. But how do you handle the gap? We all have a gap between who we want to be, and how we sometimes are. 

We use growth instead of perfection as our way of evaluating ourselves. 

Let’s talk about tools for measuring. Both a yardstick and a compass can be used to navigate somewhere. A yardstick measures distance, and compass measures direction. A mental yardstick asks, “How far have I come? Have I arrived yet?” This can lead to perfectionism and backsliding into negative self-talk when we see how far we still have to go. Perfection is the wrong measure, it leads to us being fearful and rigid. Use a mental compass instead of a ruler to check if we’re on the right track. A compass points toward a direction, which is like using our values to point us to the kind of person we want to be. 

With a mental compass, when we mess up, we re-orient ourselves toward our valued direction, and we keep moving forward. If I’m working on being honest, loving, and trustworthy, then I’m making progress. It’s a growth mindset with a clear direction.

With a growth mindset, your self-talk will frame your experiences as opportunities to learn rather than failures. For example, instead of saying “I can’t do this,” you might say “I haven’t mastered this yet, but I’m getting better at it.”

Recognize the effort you’re putting in, even if the results aren’t perfect. For example, instead of saying “I failed,” try “I worked hard on this, and I learned something valuable.”

Remember, self-esteem doesn’t come from plastering positive self-talk onto a negative lifestyle. True self-esteem comes from choosing the kind of person that you want to be, seeing yourself clearly, and then really striving to line your actions up with being that kind of person.

4. Pay attention to the small wins

And you’re going to pay attention to small wins, when you make a tiny bit of improvement or make a good choice- you are going to celebrate that. And I don’t mean just thinking a nice thought about what you did. Make it strong! Say it out loud and write it down, tell other people.

Every week at our team meeting I ask each person to share a win they’ve had in any aspect of their life.

Because your mind naturally pays attention to the negative more than the positive, you’ve got to exercise this muscle of paying attention to your wins. When you notice your wins every day, you’ll remind yourself that you’re moving in the right direction. So I recommend that you do the 3 good Things exercise- every day write down three good things that you did that day. This helps rewire your brain to notice the good that you do.

OK, here’s #5: Replace Judgment with Compassion

Instead of judgment, comparison, or negative self-talk, you’re going to start to treat yourself with compassion. Self-compassion is the act of treating yourself with grace and love. Compassion isn’t love like “I love cake and I hate broccoli” that is essentially using the word love to judge which things are good and which things are bad. Compassion is feeling with someone, even yourself. It’s about seeing struggles as part of what we all go through as humans. It’s recognizing that we’re all in this together, which creates a sense of connection instead of judgment or separation. It’s talking to yourself like you would talk to a dear friend. 

As a mom, I need compassion all the time. I remember one time when my oldest daughter was about 5, I was pregnant and so tired, and she wasn’t listening or going to bed, and I got upset and I yelled at her. After she was finally settled, I sat down on the floor in the dark with my back against the wall, feeling like I was the worst parent in the world. I NEVER wanted to treat my kids this way, but this wasn’t the first time. I was beginning to sink into self-hatred and despair. I had learned about self-compassion, but it had never really resonated with me, but this night I gave it a try. I told myself the truth, which was, “Emma, you do a lot of good things for your kids. You also make mistakes. You feel really bad because you’re trying so hard. Even if you make mistakes, you are worthy of love. That’s how you treat your daughters. You’re a good mom. You are worthy of love and happiness and good things.” And as I sat there, I felt my despair melt just a little, it was replaced with a tiny little glow of compassion, of kindness towards myself. 

Do you think it would have been easier for me to be kind to my daughter if I continued to rage at myself? Probably not. And that’s the beautiful thing about compassion–it’s actually helpful. 

Self-compassion might sound like:

“I’m learning and growing, and that’s what matters most.”

“I don’t have to do everything perfectly. It’s okay to rest.”

“I’m allowed to feel this way. These feelings won’t last forever.”

“I’m human, and it’s okay to have flaws.”

“I am worthy of love and respect, just as I am.”

“I’m not alone. Everyone struggles at times.”

Now I get it, this can be really hard to practice if you’ve been self-critical for a long time. So give yourself time to get good at self-compassion. Don’t try to force yourself to feel self-love before talking to yourself with compassion. You’ve got to start by taking an action of kindness, even if you don’t feel like it. Here’s a couple of small ways you could get started. 

  • You could start with small, neutral acts of self-care. This might mean taking care of your basic needs, like washing your face or getting some rest, even if you don’t feel like you deserve it.
  • Gradual Exposure: Expose yourself gradually to the idea of self-compassion. For example, you could start by reading about self-compassion or watching videos on the topic without expecting to feel it right away.
  • We can love others before ourselves, and we can use that approach to treat even our inner critic with curiosity, kindness, and respect. Acting in love, serving someone, helping someone can help us internalize a greater sense of compassion. Also, when we’re busy hating on ourselves, we can be kinda self-absorbed. 
  • You can imagine the negative parts of yourself are like the characters from Inside Out. This is a form of therapy called IFS, and it certainly helps to have a therapist do this with you, but you can practice talking to the negative or hurting parts of yourself with love and kindness. “Hello “debbie downer” I see that you’re here. It’s ok. I’ll listen to what you say, but I don’t have to believe it. Having a conversation with your parts can help you learn where they’re coming from and make space for them instead of trying to hate them into going away.

Summary

It really is possible to untrain your negative self-talk. In the long run you can move from questioning the truth of your negative self-talk, to gradually using more neutral or balanced language, to building a growth mindset and a foundation for true self-esteem, noticing the positive, and then to treating yourself with compassion. These steps will probably feel really awkward or inauthentic at first, but as you practice them you’re going to gradually get better at talking to yourself with love and kindness. 

As you keep practicing, eventually you’ll get to the place where you can express confidence in yourself, a healthy sense of self-esteem, and belief in your ability to accomplish your goals and self-assurance that you’re living your life’s purpose. If all of this sounds impossible, don’t forget, I’m not going to reach the top of my climb in one or even ten tries. And no one is going to run a marathon after one training session…let’s just start practicing today. I would love to know how you’re going to start. Please share in the comments a neutral, balanced, growth mindset, or compassionate statement that you will use with yourself today and tomorrow. Each little training session you’ll get stronger and stronger. 

Spend time with Emma in a live webinar every month, as well as get access to all her courses by joining the Therapy in a Nutshell Membership. 

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