In this post, Emma talks about overthinking and intrusive thoughts, and shares 6 phrases to get unstuck from overthinking and uncertainty.
Is your mind kinda annoying? Do you deal with intrusive thoughts? Or worry? Or have visions of a catastrophe happening? Maybe you get hit with a lot of “What if’s” What if my daughter gets in a car crash? What if I said something offensive at the party?
It’s really common to deal with difficult thoughts, but if we don’t have the right strategies to manage them, they can get out of hand.
That’s because our brain is kinda like a 2 year old, what we give attention to, gets louder. So just like if a two year old says a naughty word, and everyone laughs- she’ll say it again, but then when mom or dad gets serious “You have to stop saying that”, then she knows she has all the power and says it more and more. The more upset you get, they more she thinks it’s funny.
4 Unhelpful Strategies To Deal With Unwanted Thoughts
When we try not to think about something worrisome, that accidentally sends a message to our brains that that worry is actually dangerous- so our brain worries more. This is the classic “don’t think about a pink elephant” scenario. The more you try to suppress a thought, the louder it becomes. What we pay attention to, we get more of. That’s how the brain works.
When we believe an intrusive thought, our brain makes it even louder. For example, if you’re driving and have the thought, “What if I drifted into oncoming traffic and caused a crash?”, If you believe that having that thought “means” something about you, that you’re dangerous, and if you believe that thought, perhaps you avoid driving, and the more you avoid driving, the more your brain “learns” that the thought “What if I cause a crash?” is dangerous, so the brain makes that thought louder. What we pay attention to, we get more of.
When we argue with a thought, as in “Did I hurt Kathy’s feelings last night?” “No, I didn’t, well, maybe I did, but it’s her fault anyway, but what I said wasn’t that offensive was it? I’m a good person, but nobody likes me, I must be a bad person…” When we go down the rabbit hole arguing with our thoughts, they also gain more power over us and we end up distracted from actually living the life we care about. What we pay attention to, we get more of.
And when we try to distract ourselves, with screens, drama, drugs, or whatever, suddenly all the effort to avoid those thoughts takes away our power to live the life we care about- connected to others, or engaged in a purposeful life. This one’s counter-intuitive, but when we avoid something because it seems scary, that tells our brain it is dangerous, and what we avoid, we get more of.
So…getting sucked into trying to stop thinking something, believing all our thoughts, avoiding our thoughts, or arguing with our thoughts all take us down a pathway where we spend so much energy wrapped up in our head, that we can’t pay attention to living the life we care about. Worried thoughts are going to come, so What can we do instead?
Acceptance And Commitment Therapy Has A Solution
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has a solution- it’s called Cognitive Defusion. That’s just a fancy word for creating some space between yourself and your thoughts. We can allow thoughts to be present without needing to agree, disagree, or suppress those thoughts. I’ve got a handful of videos on the topic, which I’ll link to in the description, but today I’m going to teach you some phrases that may help you let go of the struggle with those thoughts.
The goal is to notice the thought, just acknowledge it, and then go back to the present moment. Let me give you some examples of how to do that.
So here’s the first one:
1. What if this panic attack is a heart attack?!?
You could internally say “Hello mind, I’m noticing that you’re worrying me again. We’ll see what happens” And you just notice the thought, acknowledge it, and then go back to the present moment.
Now you might be wondering…why don’t I just tell my mind “Of course not! Everything will be fine!!”?
I mean, that’s basically what traditional CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) does- you notice your thought, challenge it, and replace it with a more rational thought. And honestly, CBT is great for a lot of types of thinking. What if Everyone hates me? Well, rationally, not everyone hates me, some people like me, and some people hate me…etc. Rational thinking can be helpful for some people, in some situations.
But if you’ve been stuck in worries or intrusive thoughts, you know that your brain will come up with a million never-ending arguments or “reasons” why you can’t know that for certain. “Well, most panic attacks aren’t heart attacks, but what if this time it’s “The one”” “No it’s not” “You can’t know that for sure”…and you end up doing this thing: (1:59-2:09)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAyuhfZ85nE
Ask yourself this- has it worked for you? To argue with your thoughts? Has that helped you feel calm, present, and purposeful? Or have you gotten sucked into an endless back and forth? If you know from experience that you end up getting stuck in an endless back and forth, using defusion might be a helpful approach.
When you’re able to say “Maybe, maybe not” or “I can’t control a panic attack, so we’ll just let it pass” you can escape the tyranny of fighting against an invisible monster.
2. What if my daughter gets in a car crash??!?!
If I believe this thought, how will it help me? Or her? Will it get me closer to living the life I want? Of course our brain is going to come up with various worries about things that possibly could happen, but we can just question- is believing this thought going to help me live a meaningful life. If I spend all day worrying about my daughter, will that help me live a good life? OIf I call my daughter over and over checking on her, will that improve my relationship? Will that make her actually safer? Usually the answer is “no” believing these thoughts won’t help you live the life you care about. So, notice the thought, acknowledge it, and then go back to the present moment.
3. What if I get fired from my job, can’t find another one, my wife leaves me, and I’m miserable forever?!?
Name the story. Say There’s the failure story again. I’m not surprised it showed up.
There’s the hopeless story. There’s the catastrophe story again. There’s the “I’m unlovable story” There’s the “I’m a helpless victim” story.
Make a name for this story that keeps popping up for you. There’s something about naming it that takes away a little of its power. Then ask yourself, does this story help me? If not, I’m going to go back to my work. And you shift your attention back to what you were doing before the thought popped up.
4. “What if people don’t like me?” or “What if I embarrass myself?” What if I get sick? What if my family gets in an accident?
Maybe my mind is right, maybe not, who knows, we’ll see…
5. What if things don’t go as planned?
There you go again mind, you sure are good at worrying. And then bring your mind back to what you were doing.
6. What if I feel anxious today at work and can’t think?
“Thank you mind, you’re doing a good job worrying me today, we’ll see what happens.”
The Goal
It’s normal for the thoughts to come and go, for them to come back and try to annoy you. The goal is to just notice them, and then shift your attention back to what matters the most, the present moment, what you were working on, or what you really care about. As you do this, you’ll find that you don’t get stuck in these internal conversations with anxious thoughts. This is why it’s called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, we just accept thoughts and feelings as existing, but we commit to taking action in line with our values. And it helps people live more rich, fulfilling lives.
As you develop defusion skills, you’ll stop fueling the cycle of struggle or avoidance, and little by little your mind will learn that these thoughts aren’t so important, they’ll probably come less often and they just won’t bother you so much.
If you’d like to learn more about how to manage thoughts and emotions, I’ve got a couple courses that are helpful.
I teach an emotion processing course where you’ll learn 30 skills to work through and resolve difficult thoughts and emotions in a sustainable way. It’s not coping skills and mindfulness, it’s research backed skills that will change how you approach emotions, so that you can regain your sense of self again. You can buy it separately or as part of my monthly membership.
I have also collaborated with two experts to build courses.
Dr. Kat Green, who specializes in OCD, has an excellent course on Intrusive thoughts.
And Dr. Nick Wignall has a great course on how to stop worrying (that actually works) and you can find both of those courses on my website. I’ll put those links in the description too.
K, thanks for being here and take care.