This post can help you find purpose and meaning to overcome anxiety.
If you were to ask most people what they want from life, the average answer you would get is “I just want to be happy.” If you would ask most people what they would want for their kids you might get two answers “I just want them to be happy” or “I want them to be successful so they can be happy”.
We are drowning in a culture of happiness. 4000 books a year are written on happiness. Google searches for happiness have exponentially increased. Products promise happiness. Food commercials promise happiness. And happiness is extolled as the highest virtue. But here’s the interesting thing.
What if I could promise you that I could create a tank, an amazing tank that you could program to feel any experience in the entire world. Pleasure, success, anything you dream of, and this experience would feel 100% real inside the tank. You could be the world’s best athlete, olympic gold medalist, world cup champion, you could be the world’s bestselling author, you could be the sexiest man alive or the most adventurous explorer, and while you were in the tank it would feel 100% real. You would feel happy. You would only have to leave the tank briefly to choose the next happy experience, and then you could go right back in. Would you choose this life for yourself? Would you choose this life for your kids?
Even though the vast majority of people would say that happiness is their goal, when presented with the option to experience decades of “happiness” in the tank, most people would reject “the Tank” because deep down, they know that there is something much more valuable. A life with purpose, with meaning, with authenticity.
We are all drowning in cultural messages that promise that happiness is the ultimate goal, but the crazy thing is that mountains of research show that trying to feel happy backfires, it makes people more miserable. The pursuit of pleasure, of delicious food, or sumptuous art or sex or travel or wealth, might make people feel happier in the short term, but leaves people empty in the long run.
Chasing happiness actually strangles happiness. And that’s the weird paradox of emotions, the more we focus on them, the more it backfires. You’ve probably at one point or another thought “If I just didn’t have anxiety or if I just didn’t feel depression, my life would be so much better.” But what if that thought, that striving for just “Feeling good” is actually what’s strangling your ability to find real fulfillment in life?
So what is the alternative, what do we strive for, if not happiness?
I say Purpose and Meaning.
But we are starving for purpose and meaning. As more people move away from religion, as people become more isolated and lonely, as workism takes a higher role in people’s values, as people get greater education and higher wealth, more and more people feel that life is empty, hopeless, aimless. Nearly a quarter of Americans report that they have no meaning in their life.
In this video, you’ll learn how to run toward the life you truly desire, a life that is rich and meaningful and full of goodness and purpose. We will discuss 4 ways to do this, with practical steps you can take, so when you look back on your life, you are pleased with what you’ve done with it and feel fulfilled along the way!”
Nutshell
You may be taking this course or watching this youtube video in the hopes to make anxiety go away, to stop feeling bad and start feeling good, which btw, is a subtle form of hedonism. And While I am confident you can decrease your anxiety, it’s going to be a little paradoxical, because pursuing the meaningful life that you yearn for will be way more powerful than trying to not feel anxious.
Nietzche said “He who has a why can endure any how”
A meaningful life makes discomfort purposeful.
Let me give you another example from the book “The power of meaning” Most people would say that reading the tabloids gives them a sense of pleasure, and caring for a sick relative is stressful, unpleasant. But if you asked most people to choose between dedicating years of your life to tabloids or caring for a relative, they would agree that caring for a relative, even though it comes with more stress, would lead to a better life, a more fulfilling life.
Running from discomfort, even running towards happiness, can often interfere with actually achieving lasting joy and fulfillment in life. And living a purposeful life is like climbing a mountain, it’s much harder than coasting downhill, a life of purpose and meaning is often uncomfortable, but absolutely worth it, and in the long run leads to greater lasting joy.
But finding meaning is something that most people don’t know how to do on their own, and there is less and less emphasis on this in education or society than ever. I am not going to focus on all the evidence that shows that university students are now educated much less in finding meaning than in making money than in the past, or the studies that show that unhappiness doesn’t correlate with suicide nearly as much as meaninglessness, but instead, we are going to learn about the 4 ways to pursue a rich and meaningful life. Starting today.
OK, so here’s the first key to finding meaning- #1. Belonging
During the 1800’s, doctors were just beginning to learn about germ theory, and so, in an attempt to protect infants and children from infections, they forbid the doctors or nurses from interacting with them, they ensured that the hospital environment remain sterile, and following the advice of popular psychologists, they fed the infants on a timed schedule, and didn’t comfort them when they cried. In orphanages that followed this practice rigidly, the mortality rate was 90-100%. They found that children, even ill or weak children, who were raised by their mothers, even in dirty conditions, had much better survival rates. So they began to encourage the nurses to comfort, to hold, to caress the infants. At Bellevue hospital, New York, where this type of care became the norm, mortality of infants went from 30-35 % to less than 10 % in 1938. To thrive, it was discovered, an infant needs to be held, walked in someone’s arms, caressed, hugged, and sung to. It is this connection that helps infants survive and thrive.
Another study on the effects of diet on the heart health of rabbits found that poor diet directly impacted the buildup of plaque in the hearts of rabbits, but when they compared two groups with the same feed, they found that one group had 60% less plaque buildup than the other. The researchers were confused, what could account for this difference? They worked hard to figure out why one group was healthier on the same food? And as they compared every aspect of the rabbit’s environment, they found that the only difference was that the researcher in charge of the healthier rabbits talked with them, caressed them, and essentially loved the rabbits. That sense of love and connection physically changed the rabbits.
Like these infants and rabbits, we are hardwired with a biological and spiritual need for connection. We yearn to belong to a group, to be supported, loved, accepted. It is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives. – Esther Perel
But more people are isolated and lonely than ever. Recent studies report that 1 in 3 Americans say they don’t even have one close friend. And I’ve got a longer video on the effects of loneliness, but in this video we’re taking a positive approach! Belonging is an essential aspect of creating a meaningful life.
Belonging is creating relationships where you care for others and feel cared for and have regular positive (or at least neutral) shared experiences. It’s using your unique values and strengths to benefit the world. Using them for something that’s not yourself.
Belonging is about fostering connection, even in small moments. It’s about choosing to value others and put the needs of others before your own. This may sound counterintuitive in our hyper-individualistic society, but to clarify I didn’t say “instead of your own”. In a society where everyone is focused on themselves, we wither. When we make sure to give to others, we all flourish. Find meaning in your own life by reaching out to others.
And I know that when you feel isolated and lonely, it’s easy to feel really helpless about this, so let’s talk about a few easy to increase your social connection
- Plus 1 interactions- When you interact with someone just add a little. If someone says ‘Hi” a minus one is not saying hi back. A 0 is saying “Hi”, and a “Hi, how are you” adds a little energy to the situation. In every situation just give a tiny bit more energy back to the person. Be the one to initiate, to ask someone about themself, to offer something about yourself, we can’t wait for others to do this for us.
- Seek to give- see who you can serve. My sister in law told me that she recently moved into a new neighborhood and didn’t know anyone. People seemed distant and uninterested. So she hosted a dinner on her front lawn and invited all the neighbors and put up posters. Pretty soon a lot of people came and some who had been living there for years didn’t know each other, everyone seemed happy to talk and connect and share food. it became a monthly potluck event and the neighborhood over time grew closer and closer.
- The other day I say an elderly lady at the farmers market, she was wheelchair bound and on oxygen, but she was making balloon animals for the kids and she was surrounded by people.
- My neighbor’s Grandpa in the nursing home who went door to door interviewing and recording life stories from the other residents.
- I saw a story on instagram about a Homebound person volunteering on an app to read things for the vision impaired.
- It can be hard to make things happen, so Schedule in stuff- plan a recurring friend date.
- Find a group of likeminded people. Get involved in a cause. Whether it’s LARPing or birdwatching or political protests or the PTA
- Strengthen the relationships you already have. acquaintance->friend Friend->good friend family member to tight family member. My grandma had her monthly dinner party with friends, they rotated houses and their group met monthly for over 50 years!
One of the best ways to feel like you belong is by helping others feel like they belong. Are you part of a family? Can you heal something within your family? You have a social group, how can you enhance it? Most of us have these groups, but the difference is being intentional about creating something with that.
#2. Purpose
Our society makes at least 4 lies about happiness
- Seek Pleasure and Avoid pain (hedonism is the goal)
- Money and power will buy that
- So your work is the most important thing about you, it’s the best use of your time and energy and it defines your identity and your success as a human (Workism)
- And you can do it alone – (Individualism) individualism tells you that focusing on what you want, that being yourself is the path toward happiness. That it’s “doing what YOU love. But instead people have found that greater happiness lies in how best to contribute and do your duty. “Your vocation lies where your deep gladness and the world’s great hunger meet”
- (not to mention lack of God)
Purpose is a far reaching goal toward which we are always reaching. It involves a contribution to the world larger than ourselves.
Identity is closely related to purpose. It’s an idea of who you are, where you fit in the world, and how you contribute to those around you. Knowing your strengths and talents and using them in your work leads to a greater sense of meaning.
*Discover your unique gifts and how you can employ them to help others live better lives. A purposeful person is more concerned with helping others live good lives.
Adopting a service mindset helps people find more meaning in their work. The most meaningful jobs are rated as mental health professionals, clergy, teachers, etc. Whatever job you have, focus more on helping and serving the people you work with and for. Be the person who makes other people’s lives better. And remember this doesn’t have to be something huge, public, or save the world. Make your home a little bit more loving, pick the weeds on your street, help your coworkers feel like you care about them.
Just because you haven’t found your “calling” doesn’t mean you can’t find meaning. In each of the small things we do each day, we can find ways to lift others up.
Identifying your values and strengths. What are you passionate about? What are your true values? How can you use these for the betterment of others? Join a cause, be political, do a service project, find one person to help. You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
#3. Storytelling
Here’s a story from counterfactuals. You normally go to the bank on Tuesdays, but this week you go on wednesday, there’s 50 people in there, suddenly a robber comes, the security guard manages to tackle him, but shots are fired, one ricochets and hits you in the arm. The robber is taken to jail and you go to the hospital with a minor injury. Nobody else got hurt. Are you lucky or unlucky? How you answer that depends on all the other things you bring into the narrative. “Nobody else got hurt” could go in two different directions. It could mean, thank goodness, we all made it out of there with our lives, we were so fortunate, or blessed. Or you could say “Why me? Why did I have to be the one who got hurt! This is so unfair! I was so unlucky! Or Cursed! Or I deserved bad things to happen to me”
The way you tell that story determines how you interpret that situation. Storytelling is an act of creation. We take the facts and we fill in the meaning with our own interpretation.
The moth Radio hour is a show where people tell some of the best short stories I’ve ever heard, but to get to that point, they go through a little coaching. Everyone comes to the producer with these crazy experiences, but as they craft their facts into a story, they convert it into meaning.
Storytelling is the essence of finding purpose, beauty, and meaning in the pleasure and pain and the hero’s journey we’re all on. As we work through our challenges, struggles, and pain, we are constantly editing and interpreting our own story. The Moth producer says that “Telling a story is like 10 years of therapy” we order the pieces and make sense of our experiences, this brings coherence and helps us make sense of life.
But as we fill in the meaning into the details of our lives, everyone tells one of two types of stories: 1. Redemption stories or 2. Contamination stories.
Effective people tell redemptive stories–rags to riches, forgiveness, overcoming weakness, finding the good in negative experiences.They transition from bad to good. They connect the dots and say “This is the way I converted that pain into growth or healing or doing good in the world”.
The opposite of a redemptive story is a contamination story. These stories end in the bad regardless of the good. “This is the way that my pain, or that person, or that situation broke me, ruined my life”.
Storytelling is a huge part of our identity development. Our stories are an internal narrative about who we are, how we got that way, and what we did with the challenges we faced. It’s an act of creation. We choose the way we see the story.
Storytelling to yourself can help you gain meaning. Storytelling to other people lets them know they’re not alone and helps them find meaning too. When you tell your story, what changes inside of you? When you share it with others, what changes? Storytelling is the opposite of shame. It’s healing and empowering.
So, what is the story you’re going to tell about your life?
Write about the pivotal moments in your life. Consider the meaning that you take from them. Ask “How would my life be different without the pivotal moments in your life”.
Whatever happens you can ask yourself, “where is the good?” What did I learn from that experience, how did it help me gain depth of understanding?
#4. Transcendence
In order to have meaning in life, you need to be connected to something greater than yourself
Purpose is using your talents for something bigger than yourself.
Transcendence is about just getting connected to something bigger than yourself. It’s those moments that take your breath away, that leave you changed. Let me tell you some of mine- cross country skiing on a winter night, alone in the mountains far from light pollution- the stars were brighter than the darkness. Climbing up a challenging route in the tetons, flowing upward through the rock and the clouds with practiced skill, excitement, and wonder. Or kneeling in prayer and feeling encompassed by God’s love, being immersed in Gregorian chants in Jerusalem. In each of these moments, I felt connected to something much bigger, more real, more awe-inspiring than myself.
The reason I climb mountains isn’t for the view, it’s for the way the experience changes me. I don’t come down a mountain the same person as I went up it.
But transcendence isn’t always so mysterious.
Let me tell you a story.
One day, I was having a really tough day. I felt lonely and discouraged and overwhelmed with my kids. And I got a text from an acquaintance- it said “Hey Emma, I was just thinking of you, want to go for a walk and talk?” and it was the exact thing I needed at that time. The more I get to know Mary, the more I’m impressed with her. She believes that God will inspire her to help others, and every day, as part of her morning routine, she has a few minutes dedicated, on her schedule, to asking God- who can I help today? And she writes down any thoughts or names that come to mind and then reaches out to those people. I’ve seen her help and comfort and support so many people in our little community, she said one day she reached out to a woman and when she went to her house, she found out the woman was really sick and pale, she called an ambulance and it turns out the woman’s oxygen saturation was dangerously low and she needed a heart procedure to save her life. But in hundreds of quiet ways, she loves and serves others, she makes our community a better place, and she connects with the divine to do it.
So the question here is how can you create a system to connect with the divine more regularly? Buddhists practice loving kindness, both in mediation, and also in their daily interactions with people who can sometimes be difficult.
I’ve felt transcendence in prayer, scripture study and temple attendance, but also in nature, on mountains, when I finally learned to center clay on the pottery wheel, and while snorkeling in the Red Sea. Walking through the canyons of Jordan, only to turn a corner and see the Treasury.
Recently I was up in the middle of the night with my sick baby who was throwing up. And I remember thinking, there is nowhere else I’d rather be. I was in flow, in the middle of a very difficult situation.
Some common themes with transcendence include sacrifice, mastery, service, and practice, monotasking, reflection, quiet, plus a connection to nature and other human beings.
I believe the opposite of transcendence is distraction- separating ourselves from life, our feelings, and what we care about. It’s keeping busy, it’s running after pleasure instead of depth.
Can you develop a habit of putting yourself into situations where this happens?
Can you develop a mastery that helps you get in touch with something amazing, that changes you when you connect with something bigger, higher than yourself? What will that look like for you? Write about this in your workbook.
Conclusion.
When it comes to building a rich and fulfilling life, there is no quick fix. There’s no 5 minute hack here. It comes down to constantly refocusing your life on what is most important to you.
So there’s 4 ways to run toward a rich and meaningful life.
- Belonging. Foster real relationships, connect with others, serve them, invest your time and energy in relationships, and “Be excellent to each other”
- Purpose: Seek to do good in the world. To use your unique talents to make the world a better place, whether that’s loving your neighbors or inventing a new technology, or creating music that helps people feel alive- use your gifts to make your space a better place.
- Tell your story- pay careful attention to your narrative. Do you tell a story of gratitude, authenticity, wonder, and overcoming obstacles, or do you tell the story of being a victim, of hiding your truth, or in shame tell no story at all?
- Transcendence- Connect to something higher, bigger, brighter than yourself. Create an intentional system where transcendent experiences are frequent, not rare. Live your life seeking beauty and mastery, even though they often come at the cost of discomfort.
As we near the end of this course, I hope you can drop the struggle with anxiety, and instead run toward the rich and purposeful life that you care about. And that will include some discomfort, some stress or anxiety, and that’s ok, because the best things are sometimes hard, but it’s absolutely worth it.
Click below to know more about the course, Break the Anxiety Cycle in 30 Days.
