Conflict management as an HSP or a highly sensitive person requires a delicate balance of empathy and self-care.
In this post, featuring Emma and her guest, Jonathan Decker from Cinema Therapy and Mended Light, you will learn about navigating interpersonal conflicts as an HSP.
Navigating Interpersonal Conflicts As An HSP
Emma:
All right, today we have a special guest with us, Jonathan Decker, from Cinema Therapy and Mended Light.
Jonathan:
Hello.
Emma:
Hi. Thanks for joining us.
Jonathan:
Thanks for having me on the show. And you’re gonna be on both of my channels as well, so we’re doing some cross-pollination here.
Emma:
Yeah, definitely check those out because it’s gonna be a lot of fun.
Jonathan:
Yeah.
Emma:
Yep. And today we’re gonna be talking about conflict resolution and conflict management. When you or someone you interact with is a highly sensitive person.
Jonathan:
What? What’s that supposed to mean? No, it’s just an example. Just a little taste because like you, we’re both HSPs.
Emma:
Yeah, I’m absolutely an HSP. Absolutely. It’s taken me a long time to like come to terms with that a little bit. I think for a long time I felt a lot of shame.
Jonathan:
Yeah.
Emma:
About how deeply feeling I am. And even the term sensitive, I think for a lot of people is uncomfortable because sensitive can be used as like a …. a negative term, right?
Jonathan:
Yeah.
Emma:
Yeah. And like in our Western culture, there’s like so much emphasis put on like achieving and like being goal driven and like checking things off.
Jonathan:
Yes.
Emma:
Like accomplishing and like, looking a certain way. And people who are highly sensitive might have these wonderful gifts and talents that you admire in like a friend or a partner or, I mean, even like some examples of highly sensitive people, like Albert Einstein was a highly sensitive person and he thought about things very deeply. And he was able to empathize with people. He was able to advocate against war because he considered things very differently than maybe someone who was like the typical physics man who was like, okay, let’s, like, check off the list and do the tasks that physics men do. I don’t know what that …. like a closer personality.
Jonathan:
Right.
Emma:
Who was a physicist would handle things differently than maybe an HSP as a physicist.
Jonathan:
Well, I’m not getting, uh, political or economical, I’m just saying like, matter of factly, we’re …. we’re a capitalist society, so we value going out and bringing home the bacon.
Emma:
That’s right. Right.
Jonathan:
Go get it done. And contribute to society and build the economy. And …. and, uh, and on the whole, we value that and we value HSPs until we don’t. Like we …. we value HSPs when they serve us. Most people love to have someone who empathizes. Who validates, who cares. They just don’t like it when that person gets their feelings hurt or has a hard time with criticism or feedback.
Emma:
This is something we’re seeing a cultural shift on where people are recognizing the gifts of highly sensitive people.
Jonathan:
Yes.
Emma:
Like I think they’re …. they’re showing that this new generation coming up, they’re more anxious maybe than any generation in the past, but they’re also more sensitive and more understanding because those traits are being valued and parenting has changed a little bit.
Jonathan:
Yeah.
Emma:
Where parents are learning to be a little bit more gentle, a little bit more empathetic, like to …. to value the emotions of their children instead of just valuing, like obedience, getting it done, grades, like accomplishments, stuff like that.
Jonathan:
I saw a meme the other day. Yes. I’m quoting a meme. I have a master’s degree, but we’re …. we’re actually quoting …. it was …. It was talking, somebody commented that this …. this upcoming generation has the lowest level of, uh, of mechanical intelligence or the ability to fix things or …. or to manage things than previous generations. And some, you know, and a young person in their twenties, they commented, yeah, but I also have the emotional ability to tell my daughter I love her. So there’s that.
Emma:
Yeah. Right. Yeah. And like that, that skill of like having emotional intelligence is something that is now, I think, becoming more valued.
Jonathan:
Yeah.
Conflict Management As An HSP
Emma:
And so if, so, if you are a highly sensitive person, let’s talk about this for a minute. If you’re a highly sensitive person, what happens when there’s some conflict? Right? What does that look like?
Jonathan:
Yeah. Well, we say …. we say highly sensitive person because that’s the phrase that we’re using now. But that’s, that’s still subjective, right? That’s still …. that’s still a label. What’s highly sensitive to another, to one person to another is, well, you’re just emotionally intelligent, right? Um, but …. but in …. in conflict. So let’s, let’s start with if you are a highly sensitive person and then we’ll go to if you’re not, but you love one or you have one in your life, right? If you are a highly sensitive person, you probably default to avoidance when it comes to conflict.
Emma:
Absolutely. You will bend over backwards to avoid conflict. Right? Like even stuff that isn’t even conflict. Right? This is a terrible personal story. I was at a book club on Saturday and I, like, I’m just joining this book club, like it’s brand new. I’m like trying to make friends. And um, they’re, I was like the last one to come. I was late and they had this lovely layout of food and like salad and there were no forks and everyone else had gotten all the forks. There wasn’t no forks. So I had the option to be there, like interrupting like these ladies mid conversation and being like, hey, where’s your forks or like, rifling through her cabinets, just like helping myself.
Jonathan:
Both not great options.
Emma:
Yeah. Or like just eating my salad with my hands.
Jonathan:
Please. Please. Please. No, you didn’t.
Emma:
Uh, initially I absolutely was like, I’ll just scoop it on to my peanut bread and like, because I wanted to avoid like interrupting or being rude.
Jonathan:
Yeah.
Emma:
And like that’s the sort of thing that like the average person will probably be like, “Hey, Kelly, where’s your forks?”
Jonathan:
Yes. Right. Or …. or even, excuse me, where are the forks?
Emma:
Yeah, right.
Jonathan:
But you, but you were like, I can’t do that. It’s just.
Emma:
It’s so terrible. Eventually, I did.
Jonathan:
Wait, how …. how eventually, how long did it take you to get there?
Emma:
Second bowl of salad after they pulled out the dessert. That was a natural break. And I could like ask for a fork. Right. That’s terrible. That is an example of, oh gosh.
Jonathan:
I’m not judging. I’m deeply amused, but I’m not judging.
Emma:
But like that’s such a simple example that is not even conflict, right?
Jonathan:
Yeah, yeah.
Emma:
That is like gently disrupting someone. And so for someone who’s really highly sensitive, if you think about like bringing up negative feedback, having to fire someone, Needing to tell someone you really care about like that something they’re doing is actually really hurting you.
Jonathan:
Breaking up with someone.
Emma:
Breaking up with someone or like any type of conversation that you know that someone else is gonna argue back or push back on, your first tendency as an HSP, I think, maybe it’s just me.
Jonathan:
No.
Emma:
Is to like avoid. Like, how can I avoid this by being polite? How can I avoid this by putting their needs onto myself? How can I avoid this by eating my salad with my pita bread? Right.
Jonathan:
Well, I …. I think that’s because HSPs value comfort. Both theirs and that of other people like, I like to that. So HSPs healers, right? And healers and dreamers are both people focused. But a dreamer’s gonna be, uh, people focused externally. They like to be out in public. They like to be on stage. They like to be, whereas the healer would rather have a small gathering of friends and just take care of them. Right? And so we value the comfort of other people. So the flip side of that is we are strongly opposed to causing discomfort or inconvenience, right? Sorry, go ahead.
Emma:
Well, yeah, and part of that’s cuz you feel every emotion, just really intensely, like all the highs you can feel really high and intensely and like love and connection and comfort and gentleness and empathy. But also like any little bits of conflict or a little bit of disapproval, you’ll also feel it like a nine when it was maybe like a two to the other person.
Jonathan:
Yeah, that you’re being flooded with arousal. When I say arousal, most people think of sex, but arousal’s just any emotion that gets so strong that you stop thinking clearly.
Nervous System Activation
Emma:
It’s nervous system activation. Right? Like fight, flight, freeze response. You get some adrenaline, some cortisol pumping. Your brain shuts down a little bit and your heart beats faster.
Jonathan:
Yeah. And when you’re in that space, once again, you freeze or you run or you fight. Right? And so …. and so for you potentially eating the salad with the pita, that’s a form of running. Like, I’m not gonna, I’m …. I’m running from the actual conversation about the forehead. I’m just gonna get a pizza.
Emma:
I’m going to avoid any potential disruption that I might overthink later.
Jonathan:
Yeah. Oh my gosh, yes. Okay.
Emma:
By eating my …. my salad with my peanut.
Jonathan:
So ….so the first thing is, and …. and that’s …. that’s the hard part. When you’re …. when you’re a therapist and you do conflict resolution with people, you get in your own conflicts and you know what to do, but you’re so flooded. And your nervous system is so set off that you’re like, I know I should just ask for the fork. Yeah. It’s no big deal. I would tell a client of mine, just ask for the fork. It’s no big deal. And I’m sitting here freaking out. And so the first thing is to …. is to …. is to regulate that. Is to breathe slow and deep. Right? To …. to slow down your heart rate, to increase blood flow oxygen to your brain. So it helps you to calm down, not feel so triggered, not feel so flooded, and to think more clearly. Right? And once you do that, the next thing is to say, okay. In the case of I’m an HSP and I’m angry or upset, I need to calm myself down and then ask myself what am I really feeling? And because all anger, as you well know, all anger is actually something else. Anytime you’re angry, you’re afraid, you’re hurt …. you’re hurt, you’re embarrassed, you’re overwhelmed, you’re stressed, you’re hungry, you’re something. Anger is just we, we step forward with that and power because it feels powerful and closers are more likely to manifest the anger externally. HSPs are more likely to like just say, I don’t feel anger and just to hold it inside. And when you talk about how we …. we take other people’s problems on ourselves and when you talk about all the things we do to avoid. Because we still feel the anger, it comes out in the form of passive aggressiveness.
Emma:
Yes. Resentment, passive aggressiveness. Absolutely.
Jonathan:
Little jabs that we have deniability that we didn’t mean what they thought we meant, but we absolutely did. You know?
Emma:
Oh, totally. Yeah. Yeah. Like you can’t just, as an HSP, you can’t just like avoid all conflict and hope that nothing bad happens in your life.
Jonathan:
Right.
Emma:
Like, you’re gonna just internalize that and then it’ll …. it’ll squirt out in other.
Jonathan:
Yes …. Yes. And so you, with some people, like if someone cuts you off in traffic, you’re not gonna calm down and then go have a heart-to-heart with that person.
Emma:
Right.
Know How You're Feeling
Jonathan:
But when you, it’s an actual relationship that you value, it’s …. it is very important to …. to calm down and say, “Hey, what am I really feeling?”
Emma:
Mm-hmm.
Jonathan:
And then you can do something where HSPs shine, which is you try and take the perspective of the other person. That is one of the …. that is one of the superpowers of an HSP. Relative to the other personality types is perspective taking. Because we have such empathy, uh, it’s a mistake to say, I know what you’re feeling. But you can say, if it were me, I’d be feeling x, y, z. Is that what’s going on for you? And …. and to …. and to express vulnerability. And somebody who recognizes not everybody values that. And so sometimes you’re gonna get rejected or sometimes people are gonna mock you or sometimes people are gonna be unwilling to open up and that doesn’t mean vulnerability and honesty was the wrong track. It just means, okay. With this person, they are showing me they’re not safe to be vulnerable with. They’re not safe to be real with. It doesn’t mean I stop loving them. Or even in some cases you stop having a relationship cuz they’re not safe. In other cases, just like we’re gonna have a surface relationship, can’t go deep with this person.
Emma:
Yeah, you can keep some people at arm’s length.
Jonathan:
Yeah.
Calm Down And Empathize With The Other Person
Jonathan:
But when you, it’s an actual relationship that you value, it’s …. it is very important to …. to calm down and say, “Hey, what am I really feeling?”
Emma:
Mm-hmm.
Jonathan:
And then you can do something where HSPs shine, which is you try and take the perspective of the other person. That is one of the …. that is one of the superpowers of an HSP. Relative to the other personality types is perspective taking. Because we have such empathy, uh, it’s a mistake to say, I know what you’re feeling. But you can say, if it were me, I’d be feeling x, y, z. Is that what’s going on for you? And …. and to …. and to express vulnerability. And somebody who recognizes not everybody values that. And so sometimes you’re gonna get rejected or sometimes people are gonna mock you or sometimes people are gonna be unwilling to open up and that doesn’t mean vulnerability and honesty was the wrong track. It just means, okay. With this person, they are showing me they’re not safe to be vulnerable with. They’re not safe to be real with. It doesn’t mean I stop loving them. Or even in some cases you stop having a relationship cuz they’re not safe. In other cases, just like we’re gonna have a surface relationship, can’t go deep with this person.
Emma:
Yeah, you can keep some people at arm’s length.
Jonathan:
Yeah.
Tone Is Everything With An HSP
Jonathan:
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I would say in that case, uh, manage your activation …. manage your activation or your …. or your arousal. Uh, same thing. If you feel yourself getting angry, if you feel your heart pounding, if you feel your fists clenching, like stop and calm down. Bring it down. Because tone is everything within an HSP. You can say the exact same thing two different ways. And if your tone is frustrated or angry, they’re gonna implode with self-loathing. And …., and then the other thing I would say is HSPs tend to, if we want advice on how to fix something, we ask for advice on how to fix something. What we really want most of the time is just to be heard and to be told that it’s okay.
Emma:
Yeah. Cause they’re constantly worrying like, am I doing a good enough job? What do they think about me? And they’re constantly, as a sensitive person, you’re constantly scanning your environment for signs of threat or danger, rejection.
Jonathan:
Yes.
Emma:
Right?
Jonathan:
Yeah, for sure. And so I …. I tell you there’s fixers and validators, right? People who just want validation and people who want to fix it. And they usually marry each other. And …. and so you, if I’m a fixer, you come to me with a problem. I’m like, well, let me, here’s what you’re complaining to me about. So here’s the solution. And then the validators like, well, you don’t think I’m smart enough to solve my own problem? I just want to be heard and to a fixer that’s, uh! What I tell the fixers, the non-HSPs is, it’s good that you want to fix. Someone that you love is hurting, you want to make it better. That comes from a very honest, beautiful place. You’re trying to fix the wrong thing. You think what you need to fix is whatever they’re complaining to you about, their awful coworker, their mother-in-law, whatever it is. What they’re at, what you actually need to fix is they feel overwhelmed and alone. And if you hear them and tell them that’s hard or you don’t deserve that or I’m here for you or I think you’re wonderful or …. or just hold them, they …. they …. they’re soothed and then they can go on and solve their own problem. Right?
Emma:
Right. Yeah.
Being There For Them
Jonathan:
And so you want to fix it, that’s fine. Just switch what you’re trying to fix. Right? Don’t fix what they’re talking about. Fix how they’re feeling just by being there for them.
Emma:
Yep.
Jonathan:
It’s healing to know that if I, if I develop in the areas where I feel weak, what it’s going to lead to is me feeling more confident. And me feeling more comfortable in more situations with more people. And if I’m seeking comfort ultimately, then I have to step into my discomfort in the short term.
Emma:
Yeah. I think it’s a skill that can be learned, like, absolutely. Like you can learn to be more assertive, you can learn to be more direct, and you can learn to tolerate those like really big emotions that come up when you’re doing those tasks. Like you can say, “I’m going to have this conversation and feel anxious.” I’m gonna have this conversation and feel a little discomfort or fear or anger and I value like being healthy. I value this relationship. I value this business deal or whatever it is enough that I’m willing to like learn the skill to do it.
Jonathan:
Yeah. Another video, another time. How can HSPs. tolerate other people’s discomfort and negative feelings.
Emma:
Oh, I’ve been working on that personally.
Jonathan:
Cause that’s, like, you’re mad at me. Oh my gosh. Like that’s, yeah, that’s ….
Emma:
It is really uncomfortable. Yeah.
Jonathan:
Speaking of which, what are your thoughts on that? Like if you’re an HSP, how do you tolerate and manage other people’s discomfort? Let us know in the comments below.
Emma:
Yeah. Okay. I wanna go back to one other point. If you are someone married to or in a relationship with or interacting with an HSP, it’s like as you’re working with conflict, and you mentioned this, but it’s like HSPs tend to be, not always, but tend to be like scanning and checking to see if they’re doing okay, if they’re performing well enough. And so, sometimes if you have feedback for them, you might feel nervous or you might not feel nervous, and you might just come out really bluntly and be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Here’s what you need to change. And that if you see your HSP getting really flooded or shut down or overwhelmed, you might want to try a different strategy, which is I think a lot of times HSPs need a very gentle and very tiny correction and they’ll actually act really directly on that. So if someone comes to me and is like, Emma, you are like failing at everything, I’d be like, ah, right? Like, complete meltdown. Hey, Emma. Like, you leave your clothes on the floor, could you please not do that? I’d be like, oh, I will take that feedback and I will worry about that feedback and I will take action on that feedback because I am very motivated to like fix this.
Jonathan:
I heard John Gottman talk about it one time about, uh, about expressing a need in a positive way. I want you to be the hero of my story and here’s how you can do it. And you may not use those exact words, but it’s like, if you would remember to pick up your clothes, I would feel so loved and appreciated.
Emma:
Yeah. Like it’s important to me, right? Yeah.
Jonathan:
Yeah. Like, because and …. and so compare that to you never pick up after yourself, you slob.
Emma:
Yes. Right? Yes. Yeah.
Jonathan:
And so saying, if you would remember to pick up your clothes, it would help me to feel loved and appreciated is such a great way to talk to an HSP because like, well of course I wanna make you feel loved and appreciated. And you’re telling me what I can do to be the hero. And to get all that positive energy from you for being the hero, I will happily do that. Right?
Emma:
Right.
Jonathan:
Whereas if you say you never clean up, you suck. It’s like, I just want to die and I hate myself.
Emma:
Yeah. And it’s so intense for an HSP that they will be more likely to flee. Right? They’ll be more likely to withdraw and to be like emotionally closed off. And that’s not the goal. That’s not the goal that you have. The other thing is like when you’re in that conversation with an HSP, like even though this might feel over the top, if you can do any kind of reassurance with them, like, hey, I love you. I’m staying with you, like if this is your, your partner, right? I love you. I’m staying with you. We’re gonna solve this, but, or, and, I love you. We’re gonna solve this and like, can we work on this together? Or if you see the situation, like the conversation going so intense and people are flooding, like you can tell they’re shutting down. Like, hey, we can solve this. Let’s come back to it when we’ve calmed down. Instead of like, let’s just keep pushing through until we figure it out. Which is gonna lead to emotional shutdown a lot of times.
Jonathan:
Yeah. My wife’s really good at that. She’s like, it seems like we should probably take a break. I’m like, yes, please.
Emma:
Right? Yes. I totally.
Jonathan:
And then …. and then like 10 minutes later, she’s like, I’m calm now. Are you calm? I’m like, yeah, I’m ready to talk and it’s better..
Emma:
Wait …. wait …. wait …. wait. Therapists have like arguments? Yes. Oh!
Jonathan:
Yes. Plenty …. plenty of arguments all the time.
Emma:
Yeah, me too, actually. Yep.
Jonathan:
Thank you for having me. This has been awesome.
Emma:
Yeah, it’s been great. Thank you so much for coming. Really appreciate it.
Jonathan:
And you’re gonna wanna check out Emma is joining me on my Mended Light YouTube channel and on our Cinema Therapy YouTube channel, where she’s gonna join my wife and I. And then over on Cinema Therapy, where we’re gonna talk about Puss and Boots: The Last Wish.
Emma:
Yep.
Jonathan:
So check out both those videos.
Emma:
Yep. Make sure to check those out. Okay. Thank you so much for watching and take care.
Click the link below to check out the course, How To Process Emotions.
