In this post, you will learn how to get motivated to do stuff that you don’t want to do. You’ll learn about the mental block that holds so many people back in anxiety and especially depression, and the essential skill to break that cycle.
But first, a story from high school.
I was pretty lonely in high school until I found my tribe in the cross country team, it was my safe space and where I made some of my best friends. Anyways, we had a great coach, Bob Henke and he would always tell us “motivational stories” like the time he was running in the national championships and he “Held back in third place” so that he could use oxygen debt to pass the other runners in the end, or the kid he once coached who was kinda overweight and every single race that season he improved on his time, so he got the nickname “PR Shumway” PR is a term for running your personal record, your personal best time, and it’s a big accomplishment for runners. We put each of these “quotes” on a t-shirt, because they kinda made us laugh and kinda inspired us at the same time. Well, the one story that actually applied to what we’re talking about today was this one. He said” OK kids, when you want a snack and you walk down to the deep freeze in the basement and you’ve got two types of ice cream, you’ve got amazing chocolate Oreo fudge caramel and there’s vanilla, which one do you choose?”. We all stared back with blank faces…He answered, ”you choose the vanilla. Why? Because you don’t want to. And why are we going to run hill sprints today? Because you don’t want to. Let’s go.”
And so, every time for the next 3 years when we didn’t feel like doing the workout or running hard, we’d just look at each other and say “Vanilla” and laugh a little and then try to run hard.
This is a dumb story, but it kind of speaks to an important psychological intervention that actually is very effective. It’s called behavioral activation. It’s all about getting yourself to do stuff that’s good for you but you don’t feel like it.
So in this video, you’ll learn how to break the cycle of depression or immobilization, with behavioral activation.
When you’re depressed you don’t really feel like doing anything that will help you, not only does it sound like a lot of work and you’re exhausted, but also, you just don’t feel like it.
-“If I don’t feel like being social, so I won’t go out today”
– “If I feel anxious about having a hard conversation, it’s probably not worth the effort”
-Getting showered and dressed sounds exhausting, so I’m just going to stay in my pajamas all day, but then when I’m invited to do something – I feel insecure because I didn’t get dressed so I don’t go, and when I go to the store I know I look slobby so when I run into someone I know I don’t talk to them because I’m embarrassed, then I go home and feel even worse than before.
Behaviors Lead To A Cycle Of Lower Mood
It’s easy to see this tendency we have when we’re anxious or depressed, we tend to pull back, to withdraw from things, including stuff we used to enjoy. And this makes you feel worse, and that perpetuates the cycle, making you withdraw more.
I think people always assume the thought or emotion leads to the behavior, but behaviors also lead to emotions.
During Covid, lockdowns changed our behaviors – we spent more time alone, we couldn’t go out with friends, and many of the activities that brought us pleasure were out of reach. And, by simply changing our behavior, many people felt a change in mood. Rates of depression and anxiety approximately doubled to the point where around 40% of people reported symptoms and many people attempted to cope with substance abuse. This change in mental health had nothing to do with our inherent biology, it had to do with our behaviors.
I feel sad so I won’t go out, so then I feel sadder, so then I won’t go out more, so then I feel sadder.
But if simply suppressing behaviors causes mood changes, simply adding in behaviors can also cause mood changes. Have you ever gone out with friends, even though you weren’t feeling like it, and by the time you were done, you were feeling way better?
Does anyone regret having exercised that day?
You can’t wait until you feel different to act differently, it has to go the other way around, act differently and see how it feels. You can’t wait until you feel motivated to get out of bed, get out of bed and do some stuff, then you’ll feel motivated. You can’t wait until you don’t feel anxious to face your fears, you face your fears and then your anxiety decreases. You can’t wait until you
don’t feel guilty about it to set boundaries for your kids. You can’t wait until you “feel ready” to change. It’s much, much more effective to take some action first.
I mean, behavioral activation it’s kinda a fancy word for “Fake it til you make it”. But the science behind it is really valid. When you take action your brain chemistry changes. This is the advice you don’t want to hear from your mom, but she’s probably right.
So why activate first? There’s at least 2 reasons this works.
- Action precedes emotion. Action changes our physical state. It can actually create quite a rapid change in mood- for example, exercise is a very rapid treatment for depression and very effective. Other chemicals change with action- for example, Dopamine isn’t released until after you take action, it’s only the motivation chemical because it’s the reward chemical. When you’re depressed and you get out of the house, you break the cycle of withdrawal and over time, you likely get feeling better.
- The second reason this works is New learning that breaks up rigid and unhelpful thinking patterns. I mean, these are essentially experiments to challenge your rigid patterns. Let me give you an example.
A man believes he’s socially awkward. He usually skips social events, and when he does go, he tends to hang out by himself in a corner. This reinforces his belief that he’s too awkward and that’s why no one likes him. But now, he’s decided to challenge himself: he’s going to a social gathering every week and aiming to chat with at least five people to see how they react when he’s more outgoing. He’s a little surprised to find out that people seem excited and cheery when he initiates conversation with them.
Or a woman, who, when she wakes up feeling super depressed, she just calls in to work and doesn’t go. She stays in bed most of the day feeling down. Her experiment is to see what happens if, when she’s feeling down, she gets up and gets dressed instead. Track her mood each day she does this, does her mood go up compared to the days she stays in bed? As she tracks this, she realizes that when she gets dressed, even though it’s super hard, she does feel better afterwards. Her brain learns that taking action can help, this gives her a little hope those mornings when she’s lying there depressed, a tiny glimmer of hope that says “I might feel better later, let’s get moving”.
OK, so you’re convinced. ‘Vanilla’, you may be thinking to yourself, now how do you start?
Choose An Action
One of these three is a good place to start:
- Something enjoyable
- Something that gives you a sense of accomplishment
- Something that helps you connect with others
And just take some action. If you’re finding that hard- maybe one of these principles will help:
- Don’t wait for motivation to change- You can’t wait for your brain to give you the motivation to get out there and do things. Emotion follows action.
- Now, I admit, this is not easy, the best way to make this process more rewarding is to choose an action that lines up with what you really care about. If you’re depressed, but love your kids, make them a great breakfast. If you’re scared to do public speaking, find a topic you’re really passionate about to make it worth it. When you put yourself out there- you’ll have experiences that actually make our lives more meaningful, happier.
- Create a hierarchy– break a task down into small steps. Overwhelmed by a messy house? Clean one area- your room, or just your bed.
- Sometimes it’s really hard to get started so it might be helpful to schedule in some activities, especially the type where other people depend on you. One of the youtubers I watch, Anne of all Trades, says that one of the best things she’s done for her depression, anxiety and ADHD is getting cows. The cows rely on her, they force her to get up in the morning, to have a routine, to get moving. And this helps her get going and feeling better.
- Give yourself a ton of credit. Dopamine turns on after you take action, and the more you reward yourself internally for doing something, the more motivation you’ll have next time. So no negative self-talk (You can’t say stuff like “Well my house is still a mess. Normal people don’t have a hard time with cleaning”), don’t put yourself down or compare yourself to others. Just say “Good job Emma, I’m proud of you.” take a pic and share your accomplishment with a few close friends. Let them cheer you on too. Write it down in your journal. Anything that reinforces that sense of accomplishment or pleasure is actually going to make you more motivated next time.
This is going to become natural for you, as you practice it Vanilla- you’re going to get feeling better. It’s going to be uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become.
So that’s it, that’s one way to break the cycle of depression or anxiety, behavioral activation. Aka Vanilla!
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