In this post, Emma talks about the sneaky mental rule that stops you from learning how to control emotions.
I heard a man say that in 30 years, he never missed watching a BYU football game with his dad. But, his father died 2 years ago and he said “I haven’t been able to get myself to go since then”.
And as I listened, I realized what he really meant was ‘I haven’t been able to go without feeling something” or “because I might cry” and he has an internal rule that says “You have to control your emotions”.
And this makes sense, he’s a 60 something year old man, grew up in a conservative rural town, he was probably trained from a young age that Boys don’t cry and that having emotions, or even worse, showing emotions was a sign of weakness, or a sign that you’re failing to control yourself.
He’s a good man, who tries to live right, so he followed that internal mental rule “You shouldn’t do something if it makes you feel or express an uncomfortable emotion”. Showing emotions means that you’re “losing control”. But here’s the real problem, when you have the rule “You have to control your emotions” how that really shows up is through the second rule- “If I might get emotional, I should avoid that thing.”
So he cut something out of his life that he loved in order to avoid having or showing feelings. He could no longer watch BYU football because he’d “lose control”, and that would break his internal mental rule. By maintaining his internal rule, he lost control of choosing how his life would go. He had to avoid something he cared about in order to “control” his emotions.
Let’s talk about how to replace that mental rule with something that’s a lot more likely to help you live a rich and fulfilling life.
How to Control Emotions (Despite That Sneaky Mental Rule)
So many of us have picked up messaging that emotions are negative or embarrassing, that they need to be controlled, that crying is shameful. We’ve internalized a mental rule that says something like, “I don’t let myself feel so-called “negative” emotions, because that makes me weak.” And then, in trying to not have feelings, we accidentally let them control us.
Let me give you a few more examples.
How do you get into a relationship without being afraid of having your heart broken? The only way to guarantee that you can’t get hurt is to control your feelings, to tamp them all down. And how do you do that? Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, a family tie, you avoid hurt feelings by keeping the other person at arms’ length, you don’t really invest in the relationship. Trying to avoid getting hurt prevents you from building good relationships. You think you’re controlling your emotions, but you’re really letting your fear of being hurt control you. It decides for you that you will not get close to anyone.
You can influence your feelings by how you think, how you act, and the choices you make. But if you have a rule that “you have to control your emotions” it doesn’t leave you with many options other than avoidance.
Here’s another example.
Rachael was a guest on my show who shared her story about doing better with anxiety. In the comments someone asked “How do you go to the store without worrying?” The only way to guarantee that you won’t feel some worry is to not go to the store. Soon, avoiding anxiety is preventing you from doing your shopping. You think you’re controlling anxiety by staying away from situations that trigger it, but instead it’s you’re letting anxiety make your decisions. Rachael learned the skills to decrease her anxiety, but the only way she took back control of her life was by doing things even when they make her anxious sometimes. She had to let go of some control in order to gain back the life she wanted. It’s a paradox isn’t it?
Panic Attacks
Let’s talk about panic attacks. How do you make sure you don’t have a panic attack in public? The only way to 100% control that is to not go out in public. Suddenly panic is running your life and deciding where you can and can’t go. Trying to control panic attacks usually fuels them, but it also drastically limits the types of activities you can do. The paradox of panic attacks is that you can learn to stop them by allowing yourself to have them.
Boundaries are another one. It can feel scary to set a boundary and hold it. How do you set a boundary without your voice shaking, or without feeling guilty? The only way to guarantee that is to not set a boundary, or to numb yourself with a substance, or to get really angry first—and then you’re still out of control. Again, trying to avoid emotions, is actually letting emotions stop you from setting a boundary. The authors of “Boundaries” said that feeling a little guilt when you set a boundary probably means that you’re learning and growing.
Another subscriber asked me, “How do you not cry at a funeral?” By now you probably realize that the only option here is avoidance. You can skip the funeral, or attend and try to stay numb, to not care. But why would you do that? A funeral is a place to gather, to remember the good things about the person who finished their life, and to mourn together. The emotion is part of the experience. Avoiding crying is actually forcing you to avoid some of the most beautiful, loving parts of yourself.
Do you see how ridiculous this mental rule is? “I have to control my emotions” implies that if you have a feeling, you must be doing it wrong. So then you arrange all these elaborate avoidance habits to prevent yourself from having feelings, but it’s the avoidance, not the feelings that ruins your life. Suddenly you’re not going to the store, watching football, setting boundaries or supporting your loved ones.
Your attempt to control your emotions backfired.
Now, I’m also not saying that you should let your emotions control you. Emotions should not be in the driver’s seat, making your decisions.There are long-term strategies that can help you be more resilient, more confident, decrease your overall anxiety, and increase your happiness. Things like scheduled worry, positive affirmations, locus of control clarity, building up positive support, living a values-based life, facing death carefully and honestly—all of these are skills for experiencing emotions in healthy ways without stuffing them down and “controlling” them.
Replace The Old Rule With A New Rule
So, I’m not going to give you a magical strategy to make your emotions go away because guess what—emotions serve a function. Anxiety prompts us to be careful crossing the street, guilt can motivate us to make repairs, or make better choices in the future. Love and pain connect us to people. You can’t selectively numb just the painful emotions. When you numb or choose not to feel “the negative emotions”, you numb the positive emotions as well.
So please hear me. A lot of emotions are painful, and that’s okay. We cry at funerals because we care about people, they matter to us, we helped them and they helped us. The only way to not care about them is to not love them, to disconnect, to withdraw.
We need to replace our old rule, “You’ve got to control your emotions”, with a new rule.
The truth is that truly strong people have gotten so good at having all the feelings. They can worry and do the thing anyway. They feel unmotivated, but start anyway. They are afraid of being hurt, but they choose to love anyway.
The new rule is “I can influence my feelings, but I can’t control them. I’m going to allow myself to feel my difficult feelings, but make my choices based on love, connection, and living a rich and fulfilling life, not on trying to control my feelings”. And there are exercises to build up these skills. You can check out my other videos or the courses on my website
Feeling safe with your emotions isn’t about controlling them—it’s about trusting yourself with them. You can develop skills to build trust in your ability to handle your feelings. And when you trust yourself with your feelings, you don’t try to avoid them and they don’t control your life.
Summary
So feel scared and do the thing anyway.
Feel sad, and love anyway.
Allow yourself to have the occasional panic attack and get out of the house anyway.
To my BYU-loving friend, go watch that football game, even if you cry a little bit, let yourself feel the love, and nostalgia, and the good memories of your dad. Cheer for the touchdowns, yell when they fumble. And let yourself feel all the feelings.
You’re going to begin to trust yourself that you can have feelings and live a rich and meaningful life too. The painful and joyful emotions are part of it. You’re going to find that it makes you stronger and more free to be happy.
Now go live that life!
