In this post, you’ll learn how to build an internal locus of control.
If you were struggling with a relationship issue- This skill would probably come up in therapy
If you were struggling with depression, this skill would probably come up in therapy
If you were struggling with anxiety, boundaries, school, work, politics, existential dread, this skill would probably come up in therapy, because it’s just such an important skill. It’s super helpful. And it’s the difference between people who solve problems and are successful, and those who aren’t.
The Helplessness Wobble:
Do you ever feel like, no matter how hard you try, it doesn’t matter because life is out to get you? As their therapist, I hear things like, “What’s the point? It never works out”. “Other people have great lives, but that’s not in the cards for me”.
On the other hand, it’s not uncommon for people to believe that they’re just“ too stupid, defective, lazy, too depressed or anxious or ADHD to be able to succeed. Conflict in a relationship? “It must be because I’m unlovable” Struggling at work “It must be because I’m not as smart as Paul”.
I see people go back and forth on what I’m calling “the helplessness wobble”, alternating between feeling powerless in a broken world, and just feeling broken or defective, but at its root, believing that there’s not a lot you can do about it. A lot of people struggle with this, and it leaves them feeling angry and depressed.
In this post, I’m going to teach you one of the most important skills that you can develop. It’s a skill that I teach in almost every therapy session- and it’s the difference between people who feel empowered, hopeful and get stuff done, and those that feel frustrated and helpless. It’s how to develop an internal locus of control.
But first, a story.
Sonya Carson Story
Ben Carson is a world class brain surgeon, but before he was able to save lives, he faced some serious challenges.
He grew up in a poor inner-city neighborhood in Detroit. When he was 8, his father left them for his secret “other” family, and his mother, Sonya Carson, worked 2 jobs as a cleaner to support the family. Despite only having a 3rd grade education, she chose to do what she could to support the family. She was proud to be able to get the family off welfare, but they still struggled to have enough money for food and clothing. Ben was at the bottom of his class in public school and the other kids called him Dummy.
Ben was embarrassed to be so poor, he missed his father, and he struggled to manage his emotions. He became very angry, in his autobiography he even tells the story of nearly stabbing one of his friends.
This was a desperate time for the Carson family.
But his mother never allowed them to give up, she was determined to find a way to improve their situation. She carefully observed the wealthy families she worked for, and saw that they didn’t allow their kids to watch much tv, but had their kids read instead. So Sonya required Ben and his brother, Curtis, to read two library books a week and write reports on them. Although she could barely read herself, she would “review” their reports, which pushed them to take reading seriously. She constantly encouraged him, and encouraged him to keep working and trust in God. And also probably not to stab people.
Little by little Ben was able to improve at school and eventually rise to the top of his class. He got accepted into a private school, but he had to deal with racial discrimination every day. At a school assembly, a teacher shamed the white kids while simultaneously insulting Ben by telling the white kids they shouldn’t be letting a kid like him (the only black kid at his school) out-perform them. It would have been easy to slip into discouragement, blame, or anger, but Ben’s mother encouraged him to ignore their ignorance, and to just focus on what he could take action on- his schoolwork.
Eventually he graduated near the top of his high school, went to college, graduated near the top of his class at John Hopkins medical school, and became one of the youngest chief pediatric neurosurgeons in the United States where he was appointed to lead the department at Johns Hopkins Hospital at the age of 33.
He continued to face difficulties, work was stressful, his infant daughter died, and discrimination was unavoidable. Sometimes he would walk into a patient’s room and they would ask – “Where’s the real doctor?” Because they didn’t expect that a black man could be a real doctor. But he faced these challenges with gentleness and self-assurance, working hard to become the best neurosurgeon in the world.
He gained international fame for his role in pioneering complex surgical procedures, including the separation of conjoined twins. He received the presidential medal of freedom, and eventually became the secretary of Housing and Urban development for the United States.
What makes the difference?
So what makes the difference when it comes to success? It’s your Locus of Control: Locus of control refers to how much you believe you can influence what happens in your life.
People who focus on what they can change, have an Internal locus of control. They believe that their efforts make a difference. They acknowledge what they can’t change and they focus their attention and energy on what they CAN change. And having an internal LOC has been linked with improved physical health, happiness, and better relationships.
When people have an external locus of control, they believe that external factors like luck, fate, or other people’s actions are responsible for life’s outcomes. They tend to feel more depressed, stressed and anxious.
But your locus of control isn’t a trait, this is a choice. This is a thinking pattern that everyone, including you, can adopt. You can learn how to shift from an external to an internal locus of control.
Ben’s mom, Sonya, taught him to pay attention to what they could change, and to let go of what they couldn’t control. Ben’s brother was also able to become a successful engineer. The mindset their mother taught them helped them build healthy and successful lives.
Now I want to approach this topic with care and humility. I’m not trying to tell marginalized groups what they “should do”. Instead, my intention is to highlight that focusing on what’s within our control can foster empowerment, even in the face of systemic challenges. When our energy is consumed by what we can’t control, it can perpetuate feelings of helplessness. But by channeling our efforts into areas where we have agency, we can build power and resilience.
A healthy locus of control is when you acknowledge the things you can’t change and you focus your energy on the things you can. The Carson’s chose to focus on their education.
You can learn how to have an internal locus of control, And there are some practical ways to do it, it only takes a few minutes.
OK, so first, let’s learn the signs that you have an external locus of control, there are 2 sides to the helplessness wobble:
Externalizing
- Blame- “I can’t get promoted because of my boss, the politics, the stupid business system, because of my background, connections, etc.”(Any reason except me)
- Helplessness or powerlessness- believing that you can’t change your likelihood of happiness or success.
- “They made me feel…” other people make you feel depressed, angry, or victimized. Something bad happens and “It ruined my entire day, or week, etc” Your feelings are completely determined by people or circumstances outside of yourself.
Now you might be thinking this is unfair, and truthfully other people do affect us. It’s just that a more helpful way of looking at it is more balanced “That fender bender made my day hard, so I made sure to take some extra time to do self-care later” shows a focus on what you can change, instead of what you can’t.
- Everything is Awful: The world’s going downhill in a handbasket, Kids these days, Everyone sucks, It’s too late for me to change, I messed up too bad already, The economy has ruined my chances,
- A focus on self as a victim – This is different from having been mistreated or victimized. One is something that happened to you, the other is the identity you take upon yourself, the lens that you see everything in life.
- Believing success or failure depends on Luck, Fate, or Deity
Externalizers usually feel angry, bitter, like they’ve been victimized, or helpless, they might feel like the world is hopeless, or that they just have to rely on fate or God’s will, because, the way they see it- nothing they do matters.
Learned helplessness can sometimes be passed down through family or cultural experiences, shaped by the systemic injustices and historical traumas that many communities face. Believing that you have no options or that oppressive systems are immovable can understandably feel like a reality, given the deep inequities caused by discrimination, poverty, lack of education and resources, violence, war, and other forms of oppression. These challenges are undeniably real and significant.
However, it’s also true that many individuals and communities have found ways to create change, even in the face of adversity. Often, this begins with a belief in their own agency—the conviction that positive transformation is possible. This doesn’t mean dismissing the real weight of systemic barriers but recognizing that maintaining hope and taking action, however small, can disrupt cycles of despair and create pathways to empowerment.
Surprisingly, believing that you’re broken is another form of externalizing. You’re essentially seeing yourself as a victim of fate or genetics. This is called Internalizing. And it looks like:
Internalizing:
- Labeling yourself as defective “I’m just too…”Stupid, bad at math, broken, unloveable, never good enough, Too depressed, ADHD, or any other label used as an identity.
- I’ve messed up too much, so why bother
- It’s too late for me to do anything about it, so why bother
Now honestly, we do have limitations, some more than others, but there’s a difference between using that as justification or excuse for why you are helpless vs. asking “What action can I take?” Jessica McCabe Example: https://youtube.com/shorts/N48IMbhBQ7E?si=Ql1ki0-gwjmO1ozq
The label of ADHD can be a reminder to build up structures and routines that support success, or as an excuse for why you can’t succeed. Empowered people use labels to help themselves find resources, community and support.
And I think at this point we really have to get off the helplessness pendulum, swinging back and forth between various explanations for why we simply can’t change anything with our lives. I mean, I think it’s really normal to fall into the habit of helplessness. But…
There’s a certain point that just feels crappy, we kinda get sick of feeling helpless even if we believe we’re vindicated in feeling that way. This feels crappy to feel like everything is decided for me, that I have no control over my life. If you’re tired of feeling this way, let’s learn the skills to shift to an Internal Locus of Control.
Signs of an Internal Locus of Control:
- You take responsibility for your actions
- You don’t care too much about others’ opinions
- You believe that you can influence outcomes, that when you learn the right skills and put in the right work, you’re likely to succeed.
- You don’t try to control others, instead you focus on what you can change (yourself)
- When others mistreat you, you set healthy boundaries, and go back to paying attention to what you can change.
People with a healthy locus of control are more successful overall, they’re more likely to achieve their goals, they’re physically healthier, they’re happier and more independent, and they’re more emotionally stable.
Now you’re probably wondering about the HOW. Well, good news. I didn’t write this up for nothing. I came with tips!
So how do we step off the helplessness wobble? There are deliberate steps you can take to do this:
4 Steps to Regain personal power:
1. The first step is taking an honest look at where your thoughts are sabotaging you. These include
- Leaning on the idea that you’re a victim.
- Blame of self or others
- I can’t…Because…
2. Getting clarity on what we can and can’t control.
Healthy, successful people don’t always internalize everything, studies have shown that they’re actually just better at clarifying what they can’t control, and focusing on what they can control.
Here’s how to do it: A LOC exercise
3. Exploring and learning skills we might not even know about.
Let’s imagine you’re a coal miner’s son, the entire town is depressed since they shut down the mine. Everyone constantly blames the industry, the manufacturers, the economy, the president, china. You feel trapped because all you know is coal mining. It’s time to ask if maybe there’s a different skill set that would give him more freedom- like being a diesel mechanic or a landscaper. It’s not that he “Should” do those things, it’s that the people who do those things succeed, and the people who don’t, wallow.
- Can’t make a relationship last?- you might not be broken, you might just need to learn how to make repairs.
- Constantly having panic attacks? This doesn’t have to be permanent, there’s like 10 different skills that can really help- from deep breathing to willingness to brain dumps.
- Can’t figure out math? Have you tried a tutor who uses visual and physical demonstrations?
There’s so many problems where we just simply don’t even know about a skill that we don’t know yet. Get curious, I bet you’d be surprised how many options there are.
4. Choosing to take action on one of those things
The goal of cultivating an internal locus of control is to change our thinking patterns into something more helpful. While we can’t directly control laws, social rules, or how others choose to interact with us, we can decide to what degree those outside forces influence how we feel and think about ourselves.
An example of shifting your LOC- school test
Let’s say you got a bad grade on a test. What’s the immediate thought you have? Is it, “That was impossible and no one could do well on that”? Or “The teacher made that too hard, he’s so unfair!? Or “I’m so stupid, this is pointless” You have no control over how hard the test was. What you can control is how much you studied for it, what you learned, and whether your level of effort matched up with your values. And, if it genuinely felt unfair, you have control over discussing it with fellow students and speaking up.
So you notice those unhelpful thoughts, then you do the LOC exercise- “What actions are in my LOC?” “I’m going to learn what I got wrong so I can do better on the next test.” or Get curious- what skills might I be missing? Who could I ask for another opinion or some extra support? After school help, peer mentor, tutoring? And then, step 4, take action on one of those things.
A healthy locus of control isn’t about blaming yourself for everything, it’s about accepting the things you can’t change, changing the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
You really can learn to develop a healthy locus of control. And when you do, using the LOC activity can help almost every situation you find yourself in. Frustrated with your spouse? Ask yourself what can I change? Struggling with depression- ask yourself what is in my realm of control, and take one small step. You can download my free guide, link’s in the description. I hope you find this video helpful, thanks for watching, and take care.
Thank you to Juancarlos Santiseban, Conlon Bonner, Mary White and Lindsy Cabrera who helped me write this video and explore the nuances.
