Are you feeling never good enough? Then this post is for you.
I polled my audience and 92% of you said you always or sometimes feel like you are never good enough. This is so crushing. Believing that “you’re never good enough” can contribute to depression and anxiety, so we’re going to break it down in a way that won’t make you feel like a failure for feeling like a failure and explore some ways we can work through this.
But first, let me tell you a story about a couch (I promise it’s relevant, and much less upsetting than other couch stories in the news right now).
The Couch Story
So last year, Ryan and I bought a new couch for the first time in our lives, (previous to that I’ve always bought couches used from the classifieds and prayed to the bedbug gods to leave me alone) but I guess now that we’re like 40 we should buy a new couch, so we picked out a couch from Costco, rented a truck, drove it home, and then we had to figure out how to get it into our house.
It was like 300 pounds and in this huge box, the box had handles and between the two of us we could barely lift it. We tried to get it through the garage door, but it was too narrow.
We tried to get it through the front door, and it fit, but our hallway turns 90 degrees, and we couldn’t get it through the turn. Remind you of anything?
Yeah, it didn’t feel like a sitcom in the moment. We’re like sweating, I’ve got a migraine, and we’re like heaving this enormous box all over the place. (I promise this has something to do with feeling never good enough).
We try flipping it vertical to manage the turn, and all this time we just keep it in this huge box because it has these handles, and we’re afraid that if we take it out of the box, we won’t have anything firm to grip, just the slippery edges of couches.
Finally, we give up. I’m exhausted, Ryan’s frustrated. We talked about just taking the dumb thing back to costco. Finally I say, let’s just take it out of the box. So we open up the box, and lo and behold, the frikking couch is literally in 6 pieces that just click together and are easy to carry individually. Like once we unpacked it, it was pretty easy to manage.
Feeling Never Good Enough
Feeling “Never good enough” is so big, so heavy, so scary, no one taught us what to do with these thoughts, and we’re afraid to take them out of the box, because maybe we won’t be able to handle them.
But the truth is, when we open them up, break them down into small pieces, and work through them with support, we can totally handle them. When we do this in therapy, I hear people say “Why didn’t I do that sooner? it wasn’t as bad as I feared”. So let’s do this with the belief that you’re “Never good enough,” and maybe we can keep you from getting a migraine and sweating profusely.
To deal with this harmful belief, we have to start by getting specific. Never good enough for what? If you don’t clarify what this imaginary finish line is, you’ll probably feel like you’re never reaching it. So let’s unpack it. Here are 4 common imaginary finish lines.
1. Everyone else seems happy, but I’m not.
You’re basing your “Goodness” on Comparison. Compared to other people, I’m not rich enough, happy enough, well traveled enough. I will never be better than everyone at all things, so the internal rules that I am following have set me up for a lose-lose, I can literally never win.
It’s true, comparison is the thief of joy. It’s outsourcing your worth to others. You decide that other people hold the ruler to determine if you’re “Good enough or not”.
There are 2 modern challenges that make this extra tough: self-improvement media and marketing.
Self-improvement media should be helpful, right? But honestly, every time I watch a bunch of “How to be a better parent” videos on instagram, I simultaneously learn a bunch of stuff and also start to feel bad about myself as a parent. Social media shows us others’ facades, and it’s easy to believe that we aren’t good enough in comparison to the 59 seconds they do let us see. Most of them aren’t letting us see them stuck on the toilet because they ate pizza without taking dairy pills or having a meltdown because they dropped a cake they spent an hour making.
And the second silent but deadly modern challenge is marketing, I’m talking about advertisements of any kind. The goal of marketing is to sell products by convincing us that there is something we lack. Even news and educational listicles send the message that if you only follow these 5 steps, then you can be happier, skinnier, richer, faster, stronger, etc. They basically want to make you feel like that dummy at the beginning of the infomercial who drops everything.
Marketers show us what other people have that we don’t. Research shows that children who are exposed to more marketing feel unhappier, and we adults aren’t immune to this.
So if comparison is the root of you feeling “Never Good enough”, there are two steps to take:
First, if you want to survive in the modern world, you have to set limits on your media exposure. Be very conscious of the effect that marketing has on you. Overall, it’s just wise to limit your time on social media, and carefully curate and unfollow content that makes you feel like you’re never good enough. Unfortunately we can’t throw all of marketing into the ocean, so you might have to start with setting some screen time limits.
Second, what if we break that comparison ruler? What if “good enough” no longer has anything to do with whether other people succeed, and instead, you get super clear on your own values, what you want your life to be about. I’ve created a downloadable workbook for you to figure out the kind of life you really care about living. Then, every time you catch yourself comparing yourself to others, shift your attention back to the kind of person you want to be. Each day or each week you can take a moment to reflect and ask yourself, “I value being hardworking, loving, creative, etc. Did I live that way today?” And take action to be that person.
Hopefully your goals won’t just be a list of people you want to kill, but we have to admire Arya Stark’s ability to never lose sight of her values and plans!
#2. Perfectionism
OK the second chunk of “Never good enough” is perfectionism but it’s often subtle. Maybe you don’t think you’re a perfectionist, but let’s look at some of the sneaky ways perfectionism shows up:
- Maybe you feel like a complete failure if you make a mistake.
- You might believe that you need to be flawless in social settings to be approved of. (BTW, it’s not possible.)
- Or that you should already have most of life’s problems solved. (“Why I am struggling with this, other people have it figured out!”)
- Here’s one that a lot of people feel. “I’m just not a good enough daughter” (or son, or spouse or parent). We take our honest desires to show up for others and treat them well, which is good. But then we take it one step further to “I must be perfect to be valued, otherwise I’m not Good enough’ ”. It’s like this idea that if I’m not perfect, I must be failing as a person.
Dear perfectionists, please hear me. This is a belief, not a reality, it’s something we construct with words that is oddly comforting, but deeply wounding. And it’s not truthful. It might feel true, but it’s not helpful in any way. As you can see from these examples above, these characters display perfectionist and people pleasing tendencies and they’re all, well, miserable and stressed. In fact some of them are actually in literal Hell. Let’s avoid that, shall we?
The reality of close relationships is that we bring our flaws and vulnerability to them, which creates opportunities to make the relationship stronger. Living together, learning together, and being with other humans necessarily means that at times we will offend or be offended, miscommunicate, or make other missteps. Interestingly, research shows that “good enough” parenting is actually better than “perfect-striving parenting”. Making mistakes and then making amends is part of building meaningful relationships. We have to accept our flaws as part of progress and connection.
Perfectionism also looks like withdrawing from people and opportunities because we’re afraid of messing up.
I remember one time, 20 years ago, I was at a primitive skills gathering, where experts taught ancient skills, and an instructor reached out to me and asked if I wanted to learn pine needle basketry, I said no because I was too embarrassed that I wouldn’t be good at it, so I missed out on a chance to learn.
I can tell that I’m healthier now because I do stuff all the time that I’m just not good at. I embrace the discomfort, and I’m learning a bunch of new things.
The show Nailed It! perfectly embodies the ability to enjoy something greatly despite not being perfect or even remotely good.
Assuming you want to keep developing as a person, instead of a faulty belief “I have to be good enough first, then I can engage” – how about instead “I will engage as a work in progress, and I’ll get good at making repairs. Perfectionism tells you that you’ve just got to be better, improve yourself and then you’ll be good enough. But a healthier approach is to increase your capacity to be vulnerable, to allow yourself to feel and to engage and to mess up and get really good at tolerating discomfort when you show up in a real way. This is a goal you can actually achieve.
With this one, I want you to try a little experiment. Start questioning these lying, perfectionistic thoughts. Then go out there and do something that’s “good enough” instead of perfect. Bring a gift to a friend that’s totally adequate instead of presenting it in beautiful, perfect gift wrap. Call someone when you don’t have everything to say. Turn in some homework that’s decent, but not perfect. I would love to hear from you what happens when, instead of protecting yourself by withdrawing from life, you engage on an imperfect level. Tell me about it in the comments, although, spoiler alert, I’ll venture to guess you won’t die or lose all your friends.
#3. I haven’t reached my goals yet
Saying “I’m not good enough for the Olympic weightlifting gold medal” might be true. But saying “I’m never good enough” like “as a person” is a self-justifying, sneaky, lying little thought.
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That’s like saying that an airplane isn’t good enough because it’s still flying towards its destination instead of having already arrived. There’s nothing wrong with the plane, it’s just in the middle of its journey.
This aspect of feeling never good enough is really about “Can you tolerate the process, the journey of becoming without needing to “have arrived”?
Make your good enough about the process, not the end result. You make sure that your plane is mechanically sound and moving in the right direction.
So for example, if you want to run a successful business, instead of focusing on “making a million dollars” you focus on “am I working hard? Am I learning from others? and am I enjoying the creative process? If you’re progressing, then you are good enough. You make your identity about the process of growth instead of whether or not you’ve “arrived.
#4. Not everyone likes me or approves of me
When my clients feel like they’re “Never good enough”, it’s common that when we unpack it, we see that it’s really about getting approval from everyone. They can’t tolerate it if someone doesn’t like them or approve of them. And then perhaps they think “I have to change myself to be perfect for them.”
Again, this is outsourcing your sense of self. And it’s a game that’s impossible to win. And, really, do you want your self worth to be determined by your high school bully who’s become an internet troll in his mom’s basement? I didn’t think so. Let’s look where it comes from, and then let’s flip the script.
Sometimes this comes from messaging from our parents. They have their own biases, flaws and trauma. Surprising, I know. They always seem to stable, right? (heavy sarcasm detected). They may be judgmental, critical, demanding, have impossible expectations, or expect you to fulfill their dream. And as children, we desperately strive for approval, and fear disappointing them, so it can hurt so much when we feel like we’re never good enough.
So what do we do if our parents made us feel that we weren’t good enough?
I like what Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” As adults, it is our responsibility to examine the messages we have been sent, and then ask ourselves, “Do I agree with this?”
Sure, they may have reinforced that messaging, over and over, and they are accountable for that. But you are responsible for what you continue to believe, what you continue to feed. The goal here is to shift your evaluation of your worth from external to internal. I realize that this topic is a big one, one for a handful of therapy sessions, or at least it’s own dedicated video, so we’ll do a deep dive in the future, but for now, if you catch yourself thinking “I’m never good enough” you could choose to notice that thought and try on something different.
It might sound like:
- I know what kind of person I’m trying to be, and I will keep working on that.
- I’m learning and growing each day, that is good enough.
- God’s grace makes me enough.
- I release the need for approval from others.
- I focus on progress not perfection.
- I embrace my uniqueness.
- Making mistakes is part of being human.
- I accept myself as a whole: flaws and strengths are a beautiful part of who I am.
- Life is a Journey, not a destination.
Summary
What would you do differently if you believed that you were good enough–as a human? Comment below.
Would you stop trying to convince someone to love or accept you?
Would you drop an act?
Would you take more risks?
I’ve got one last thought before we wrap things up. Marianne Williamson said:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you… As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson
Feeling “never good enough” is an almost-universal fear that we humans hold, but an even greater fear is believing that we are amazing. You might cling to the crappy armor of believing you’re never good enough, because it’s a feeble form of self-protection from the potential disappointment of trying hard or of being vulnerable in relationships.
You don’t need to carry this any more. You can feel good enough as you practice vulnerability, strive to live your values, and learn a little bit every day. Become the Gimli who’s up for the challenge, instead of the one who mocks the perceived impossibility!
OK, so that was a lot…let’s review real quick. When you say “I’m never good enough”
#1. Do you mean ”Everyone else seems perfectly happy, but I’m not”? Shift to values and an internal metric instead of external.
#2. “I can’t perform without making a mistake”? Focus on progress instead of perfection, mistakes are part of learning
#3. I’m not reaching my goals shift your focus to your direction, instead of outcomes
#4 I can’t get everyone to like me. Accept this. Shift your attention to what you give instead of what you get, shift your worth to your internal values instead of external.
And most important of all, don’t hide behind the fear of never being good enough, allow yourself to be vulnerable by believing that you have immense potential to do good in the world.
Thank you for spending this time with me. If you would like to spend time with me in a live webinar every month, as well as get access to all my courses, check out the link in the description to join the Therapy in a Nutshell Membership. And remember to share in the comments how your life would be different if you knew deep in your soul that you are good enough.
