When we’re emotionally reactive, it’s often not the situation itself that traps us, but the story we’re unconsciously telling ourselves about it. Our brains create stories to protect us, but sometimes those stories become prisons. They shape what we notice, how we feel, and the choices we make—often without us realizing it.
In this post you’ll learn the hidden thought pattern that fuels anxiety, depression, anger, and emotional reactivity — and how to break free from it so you can rewrite your stories.
Recognizing My Victim Mindset
When I was a teenager, soccer was my life. I had the shirt and everything. Before my freshman year of high school I worked super hard hoping to make the High School Team. More than 50 freshmen tried out and I was one of only four who made the cut.
I was so proud to be on the Sky View High School soccer team. I worked hard in practice, but I didn’t get much playing time.
My bigger struggle was with my teammates, especially Julie. Julie was a sophomore, and she and her 13 friends on the team really didn’t like me. They made fun of me and my religion and called me names. Even worse, Julie was the JV coach’s daughter.
Now you guys, I was good at the game of soccer—but I was pretty clueless about playing the game of popularity. So I did what I always did: withdraw, go quiet, and try to avoid attention.
Anyways, the fall season ended. And I made it onto a prestigious club team for the spring season. Our coaches had played semi-pro, we practiced in this super nice indoor facility, and I was with teammates who were much better than I who helped me develop my skills.
When Sky View tryouts came up again, I thought I’d for sure make the team. So I was shocked when my name wasn’t on the list for the last round of cuts. I felt completely crushed. I felt like my entire identity had been stripped away because the most important thing in the world to me was gone. You guys, that defeated feeling lasted for months.
At one point, I walked past the varsity coach in the halls of the school and he pulled me aside and said something along the lines of, “You’re a good player. Just try out next year and you’ll make the team.”
Without him explicitly saying it, I knew that Julie’s mom, the JV coach, had made the decision to cut me, not him.
I felt so upset! It was so unfair. I was cut from the most important thing in my life because Julie and her mom didn’t like me. I never tried out for the high school team again.
And that’s the story I carried for 25 years: when people don’t like me, there’s no point in trying.
And guess what? Giving up when rejected became a pattern in my life—until I worked to reverse the pattern.
This past summer, more than two decades later, I was thinking about Julie and her mom and Sky View soccer. And, for the first time in 25 years I saw that situation completely differently. 41-year-old Emma is much more resilient and tells different stories.
It had never before crossed my mind that the head varsity coach was telling the truth. What if instead of seeing the situation as impossible my story had been, “I can always try again. The worst they can say is no.” What if I’d believed the coaches would be willing to guide me to skills to be one of the best players on the team. Or heck, what if I’d made an effort to develop social skills and be more friendly. Even if Julie’s mom kept me off the roster again, I’d be a more courageous and friendly person who could hold her head up high.
16-year-old Emma told herself the victim story: “I was cut from the team because Julie and her mom didn’t like me.”
41-year-old Emma believes a new story: “I have a lot of influence on my results. I can learn new skills and figure out most problems.”
I know I’m not alone in this. Bad stories can keep you depressed, helpless, lonely, angry, or feeling like a victim (like I did). On top of that, because of this strange bias we have in our brains, you have no idea that you’re feeding these stories. I’ll tell you about that in a moment because, luckily, once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Now you might be saying, “But Emma, the truth is, the system is rigged. You could have tried everything in your power to make the team, and still, if the JV coach didn’t like you, you wouldn’t have made it.” Is that true? Was I the victim of prejudice? Or should I have tried harder?”
Improve Emotional Reactivity by Asking the Right Question
That’s actually the wrong question. We often get stuck trying to figure out which story is TRUE when we should be asking which story is most helpful. Or as Deb Dana says, which story is resourcing and which one is deresourcing? Which story would make me healthier, happier and more connected? Which story gives me more energy and more options?
I want to help you identify the hidden thinking—your stories—that keeps you stuck. Learning to see and label your stories can change your life, free you from old patterns, heal your trauma, and help you be less emotionally reactive. So let’s jump right in!
How Hidden Negative Core Beliefs Shape Your Reality
I find it fascinating two people can see the same facts completely differently depending on the story they tell. Here are a few quick examples that show how our stories shape our view of the world around us.
Two neighbors step outside at the same moment into pouring rain.
- Person A: “Ugh. This always happens. The universe is against me.”
- Person B: “Free watering for the garden! And I get to wear my favorite jacket today.”
A woman texts her friend: “Hey! Can we talk later?” Then hours go by with no reply.
- Story A: “She must be mad at me. I must have said something wrong.”
- Story B: “She’s probably busy. She’ll text when she can.”
We never know the real story—yet we react as if we do. And our story directly impacts our emotions.
A supervisor asks you to rework a section on a project.
- Interpretation A: “I failed. They think I’m incompetent.”
- Interpretation B: “This is feedback because they trust me with important work.”
Same words—different identity story: I’m worthless vs. I’m growing.
Someone swerves in front of you in traffic.
- Interpretation A: “What a jerk! Nobody cares about anyone anymore.”
- Interpretation B: “Maybe they’re rushing to the hospital”. Or even, “Wow, I feel bad for them. They must feel so stressed all the time.”
And we don’t react to events—we react to our story about the event. This fuels our emotions for good or ill and determines the quality of our lives.
Common Negative Core Beliefs
People who struggle with emotional regulation tend to let one or more of these hidden stories run their lives:
- I’m broken, bad, deficient, disordered.
- Everyone will always mistreat me.
- The world is bad, dark, unfair.
- Nothing will ever work out for me
- It’s not meant to be.
- I’m special, it’s never my fault.
- You can’t trust anyone.
- This always happens to me.
- No one will ever love me.
- Depression makes me feel sad.
- Anxiety makes me avoid things.
How We Unconsciously Reinforce Negative Core Beliefs
Our stories become so interwoven into our beliefs and identity that we usually don’t even notice they are there. We may have heard our parents pass down the victim story or model an empowered story since before we could speak. Because of these, our stories just feel like reality, like truth, like a fish swimming and saying, “What water? This is just how it is”.
And here’s the thing. Until we are aware of our stories and choose the ones we want, we use them in two ways that actually makes them stronger.
The first thing we do is confirmation bias.
Confirmation bias
I guarantee you, there are going to be dozens of comments on this video saying “But my story is accurate.” “The world sucks.” “My depression does make me feel this way.” “I have been a victim my entire life.”
We have a natural resistance to challenging our stories and a natural bias to confirming our stories. This is called confirmation bias. You should check out this video by Veritasium. Long story short, confirmation bias means that we look for opportunities to prove our story right, instead of looking for exceptions to the story.
When I thought that I’d been cut because Julie didn’t like me, and then the coach pulled me aside and told me I was a good player, instead of thinking, “Oooh, I could make it next year” I thought, “See, life is so unfair!” That’s how I interpreted it.
How a Victim Mindset Can Become Reality
The other thing we do with our stories is that we shape our life experience around them. Our stories don’t just impact our feelings, they also bias how we process and remember situations. If your story is “Everyone is a terrible driver” then you’ll be more likely to notice and remember the bad drivers and ignore the good ones.
I recently heard someone say “I have a theory. Even-numbered years are always good, and odd years are bad.” This story colors her perception and memory. Guess what happens in an odd year when her car breaks down: “See! I told you! Odd years are the worst!” And she feels discouraged, angry, victimized. But in an even year, if her car breaks down: “Oh well, it’s not so bad. I’m sure we’ll figure it out.” She shapes her experience around her story, and as long as it’s an even year, she’ll feel resilient and optimistic in the face of challenges.
Here’s something I conveniently left out when I told you the soccer story. I was the worst player on that club team. For years, I conveniently minimized that detail, because it didn’t fit my story. It’s actually really, really common to truly forget details from our past that don’t go along with our stories about situations.
Our stories don’t just shape how we think and feel, but they also shape how we act, which impacts our outcomes. In other words, our stories actually come true. We create our reality with our stories.
If your story is “My depression makes me feel this way” then you’re more likely to act helpless, withdraw, and feel more depressed.
If your story is “I’m different from everyone, no one likes me”, you’re more likely to avoid social interactions and therefore have less friends, and you’ll confirm your story. “See, no one likes me.”
On the other hand, if your story is “I’m charming and people like to be around me”, you’ll probably make people feel good and show real interest in their lives. And as a result, they’ll want to be around you.
But If your story is “Everyone will mistreat me”, you’ll probably act guarded, defensive, and angry around people. Essentially, you’ll invite people to mistreat you.
It’s not that these stories aren’t true some of the time, the problem with stories is that we assume they’re true ALL of the time. Believing I’m a victim once, isn’t a life-ruining pattern, constantly seeing myself as a victim in most situations will definitely impact my life.
And this brings us to a question and choice that can change your life, if you’ll let it.
Rewrite Your Story to Gain Emotional Control
If you want to be less reactive, if you want to have greater intentionality over your emotions, you have to be willing to question your stories. You don’t even have to challenge them or replace them. You just have to be willing to see them for what they are—stories—and then decide if they’re helpful for you.
Therapy is a great place to do this work. But if all you have is this video, thanks for being here. Let me show you how to develop 4 skills that will give you power and choice with your stories. I made a worksheet with these skills, which you can download for free here.
Skill #1: Find your stories
1. Write about the last time you got upset. Driving, relationships, and interacting with people in general are great opportunities to observe your stories. Write about that, then fill in the blanks:
- This event happened: I got cut from the soccer team
- Why do you think this happened?
- Julie’s mom just didn’t like me,
What happened: I was driving and got cut off on the freeway.
Why did it happen: “Because people are inconsiderate jerks”
What’s the story here? I’m the victim of other people’s jerky-ness. (I’m sure it had absolutely nothing to do with my skills as a soccer player or the fact that I don’t use my turn signals).
When you’re on the lookout for your stories, keep this in mind: unhelpful stories are usually phrased as “all or nothing” and feel like “just the way things are”. And these stories show up over and over again with each situation.
It might help to repeat this exercise with 5 more upsetting situations. And if you want to use this worksheet, I’ll put the link in the description. Do you see a pattern? People are just jerks? I’m such a failure? I’m too anxious to do the right thing?? “I have to be nice or else I’m a bad person?” Look for patterns in your beliefs of why things happen.
Confirmation bias means you’re going to default to believing that your story is true. Give yourself a little space to question that. What might be another reason for what happened? Look for exceptions to your story.
My story about Sky View soccer was “I got cut because Julie and her mom didn’t like me” but the truth is, I have no idea why I got cut. I didn’t ask, and I don’t know my coach’s reasons. In my 40’s I realized that the story I’d been telling “I’m the victim, and if I’ve been rejected I’ll never try again” isn’t the story I tell anymore.
Skill #2: Label your stories
Okay, so the second skill is to label your stories. I find it helpful to think of my mind as a “word machine” that cranks out a bunch of thoughts and stories—but just because I think something, doesn’t mean it’s true.
So if an assumption pops into my head (“My roommate must have stolen my keys”) but I know from experience that I also lose my keys a lot, I can think, “Ooh, there’s that victim story again.”
And then the second skill is to thank your brain for that thought: “Thank you brain for trying to protect me with that story, but I’m not sure if it’s true.”
Or if you get rejected again and think, “I’m such a loser. No one will ever love me,” you can catch yourself and say, “Oh, there’s that ‘I’m broken’ story again. Thank you brain for popping that one out.”
Look for your most common stories, name them, and remind yourself that just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true.
Skill #3: Question your stories
Once you’ve identified and labeled your stories, ask yourself these questions. (These are also on the free worksheet that is linked in the description.)
- Does this belief help me be the kind of person I want to be?
- Does this story give me more options and resources or less?
- Does it make you feel more calm or more reactive?
- If I repeat this behavior over and over, will it take me where I want to go in life?
If you’re not sure, you could try a little experiment. If you acted in a way to live out your positive belief, what happens? If you treat others like they are kind instead of selfish, what happens? If you believed that you’re worthwhile and only dated people who treat you that way, what’s the outcome?
Skill #4: Replace your stories with something more helpful
The reason this is so powerful is that when we label our stories as stories, it creates space for us to notice other stories as helpful replacements.
- “It’s not my job to change other people.”
- “I am going to focus on what I can change.”
- “Some people care about me.”
- “I am resilient. I can do hard things.”
- “The world is full of opportunities.”
- “All of these experiences are an opportunity to grow and learn.”
- “Good things can happen.”
Mastering Emotional Regulation by Choosing Your Stories
In the end, when we become aware of our stories it frees us to choose what to believe and act on. When you can label your story, you can hold it at arms length and then actually decide if this story is helping you. If it’s not, you can experiment with different stories.
Sometimes these stories are hard to pick apart. There are legitimate sources of bias and disempowerment in our lives. I’m not saying there aren’t. The question is, what will our stories be, and how will we let them shape our lives? Because when you call out your stories and replace them, you’re going to be more free to choose helpful action and live the life you dream of.
