Hey, everyone! I’m Emma McAdam, and this is Therapy in a Nutshell. And because you’re on social media, you probably run into something that most of us experience but almost no one wants to admit: jealousy. You get stuck comparing yourself to others.
Now, we usually think of jealousy as a shameful or toxic emotion. When we’re fused with it, we might feel a burning sense of competition, victimhood, or hatred toward others. It feels gross, right?
Or we might judge ourselves for feeling that way and try to push that feeling away.
But what if jealousy isn’t something to be ashamed of? What if it’s actually a messenger? A guide?
The idea for this topic was prompted by the book Body Image Inside Out by Deb Schachter and Whitney Otto. In this post, I’ll show you how to stop comparing yourself to others and transform jealousy from a source of pain into personal insight, healing, and even empowerment.
Let’s get into it.
The Hidden Message Behind Body Image Jealousy
Have you ever seen someone walk into a room—maybe they’re super fit, or confident, or stylish—and instead of admiring them, you hear that voice that says, “Ugh, I’ll never look like that,” or, “Why can’t I be like them?”
That’s jealousy. It’s so easy to end up comparing yourself to others.
Most of us respond to jealousy by either shaming ourselves (“What’s wrong with me for being so petty?”) or by resenting the other person (“She’s probably fake anyway”).
But those reactions are just defense mechanisms. They protect us from vulnerability. Because the truth is, comparison makes us feel like we’re not enough. Not rich enough, not loved enough, not safe enough.
But here’s the key: jealousy isn’t just a bad feeling. It’s a signal and an opportunity.
Jealousy is like an arrow pointing to something that matters to you. It tells us about the parts of ourselves that feel unseen, unworthy, or unloved—and about the things we deeply desire.
Jealousy is information. It’s a messenger. And if we can stop judging it, we can start learning from it.
When Jealousy Points to Unmet Needs
So here’s what we’re going to do with all this comparison- we’re going to look inward and step forward. Let’s start by looking inward and see what jealousy might be trying to say. Pause yourself and name your emotions. “This is jealousy. It feels uncomfortable, but it’s trying to show me something.”
Go ahead and notice what it is about that person that is pulling on your jealousy.
For me, sometimes when I see a stylish and outgoing person interacting, I notice that when she comes into a room, everyone else just lights up a little. Everyone she talks with is laughing and smiling because she is so charming. She can even argue with people in a fun way. And she makes it all look so easy. I wish I could be a natural extrovert.
OK, so once you notice that you’re comparing yourself to others, look inward- ask yourself these 3 questions:
- What am I really jealous of? It could be that this person has it “easy”, or that they seem so “popular” or that they have such good people skills. But when I really ask myself what it is, I know that it’s confidence.
- What do they have that I don’t? They feel free to say what they want, they act self-assured.
- What is the feeling I would experience if I were more like them? I imagine that if I felt more confident, I wouldn’t worry so much about every social situation. I would be able to relax more around other people and feel safe being myself.
Aha! When you can imagine how it feels to be her, you can go deeper and ask, “What is it that I really want?”
Because when we really unpack jealousy, usually we find that it’s not the body we want—it’s the feeling we imagine comes with it. Safety. Power. Lovability. Freedom. Confidence.
When we get curious about our jealousy instead of ashamed of it, we discover that it’s pointing to things we really care about, our deepest desires and values.
Let me give you a few more examples of what jealousy might really be saying underneath the surface:
- “I’m jealous of her body.” → I want to feel strong and healthy.
- “I’m jealous of their relationship.” → I long for emotional connection and being chosen.
- “I’m jealous of their success.” → I want to feel capable and recognized.
Okay, quick review before we move on to how to put jealousy to use. When you notice jealousy, pause and ask yourself these questions:
- What am I really jealous of?
- What do I think that person has that I don’t?
- What do I imagine I would feel if I had it?
The idea is to shift from the external to the internal as we ask ourselves these questions.
If You Catch Yourself Comparing Yourself to Others, Do These Four Things
It can be helpful to think of jealousy as a mirror. It’s not about the other person. It’s about us.
And when you see jealousy as a mirror, it helps you figure out what areas of your life you want to nurture. It shows where you want to grow, what you’re truly longing for.
So here’s the big question: how do we get to that place? If I want to feel confident, loved, or capable, how do I get that feeling?
And the key is to focus on that feeling that we want but don’t have right now. For me, the jealousy I felt helped me see that what I really want is to feel confident in my own skin.
There are four shifts you can make to become the person who feels the way you want to feel.
1) Shift from feelings to values
I think we can all agree, you can’t just make yourself feel something. You can’t just force yourself to feel confident or loved. So how do we do it?
We’ve got to flip that “wish” into a value-based action. “What do I really value?” Values are things like being authentic, courageous, hardworking, or hopeful. And the reason we work from a place of values is that you can’t force a feeling, but you can always move toward a value. Values are actionable.
When I think in terms of my values, I realize that I actually never wanted to be that extroverted. (By the way, extroversion is a trait, not a feeling or value.) I hate small talk, and that’s fine. What I actually wanted was to feel more bold. The value that I hold beneath that feeling is self-acceptance and courage.
Let’s look at the possible values from our other examples.
- “I’m jealous of her body.” → I want to feel strong and healthy. → I value physical health.
- “I’m jealous of their relationship.” → I long for emotional connection and being chosen. → I value love.
- “I’m jealous of their success.” → I want to feel capable and recognized. → I value hard work.
2) Shift jealousy from wishing to action
Once you are clear on the value you will build on, the next question is: How can I start taking action that would fuel those feelings of confidence? What actions would move me toward lining up with my values?
So you ask yourself, “How can I act on the value that feeds that feeling?”
Instead of focusing on what you want, pay attention to the next few steps that you can take. It’s like hiking a mountain. You can either focus on, “I wish I was up at the top. It’s so unfair that others are already at the summit,” or you can focus on moving your feet in the right direction.
For me, when I see that confident, charismatic person, I can process through my feelings of jealousy by asking, “How can I take steps to be more confident?”
And here’s what I came up with. I read a book on confidence and learned that confidence doesn’t come from thinking about being confident or waiting until you feel confident to take action. It comes from taking small risks each day. So I’ll start sharing my opinion, acting in a confident way and asking others one deeper question per day. I think as I do this, I’ll start to feel more confident.
3) Shift from external validation to internal assurance
But what if you feel powerless to create action? What if you feel like no matter what you do, others will never love you or respect you or be attracted to you?
There’s an essential mental shift that’s going to help you here. You’ve got to shift from seeking external validation to internal assurance.
Wanting to be “seen as” is a poor substitute for wanting to actually be something. We imagine that if other people loved us, we would love ourselves. If other people liked us, we would feel confident. If other people praised us, we would feel proud of ourselves. That if people recognized our accomplishments, we would feel valuable and worthy.
But outside approval is a hollow substitute for that deep internal confidence that comes from facing your demons and living a life full of integrity. That true assurance comes from knowing that you’re living in a way that you’re proud of.
To do this, you need to constantly shift your attention away from needing to be “seen as” something, and instead toward actually being good. Instead of wanting to be seen as kind, focus on being kind. Instead of wanting to be seen as powerful, focus on your locus of control. Accept the things you cannot change and focus your energy on the things you can change.
See the pattern? Jealousy is rarely about what someone else has—it’s about what you’re longing for internally. And once you identify that, you can start taking steps to cultivate it in your own life.
You don’t have to look like someone else to feel powerful. You don’t need someone else’s relationship to feel loved. And you don’t need to copy someone else’s success to feel capable. You can start building those experiences for yourself from the inside out.
4) Shift from scarcity to abundance thinking
But what if I feel like I’ll never be good enough? That there’s not enough love or money or praise to go around?
The last pivot is to shift your focus from scarcity to abundance.
Remind yourself again, what you’re actually seeking isn’t money or approval or a perfect body. You’re seeking a feeling. Just because someone else has something doesn’t mean you or I can’t also have it. There is literally no limit on the amount of confidence I can feel, how many people can treat their body in a healthy way, the amount of love you can feel or give, or the amount of self-assurance you can hold. What you’re really looking for is a feeling and these feelings are absolutely, infinitely abundant and unlimited.
Going back to my example, to shift my focus to abundance, I would practice paying attention to my gifts and skills. I’m not the same as everyone else, I’m generally more introverted–-which is a gift. I can feel proud of myself for my ability to create great, deep dialogue, forge connections, and make a few people feel cared about.
When we listen to what our jealousy is saying, and we do the work to shift our thinking and align our actions with our values, we get to become the person our heart is longing to become.
Turning Envy into Growth and Purpose
I want to end with this:
Working with jealousy takes courage. Because it means facing the parts of ourselves that feel inadequate. And that’s vulnerable.
When you notice jealousy and comparing yourself to others, and you can ask it to teach you, you stop fighting yourself or other people. You stop living in comparison and start lining your life up with the rich and meaningful life that you truly value. At your core, you aren’t superficial. In fact, you have great things to offer the people around you, and you’re going to take action to make the world a better place.
So the next time jealousy shows up… pause. Get curious. And listen. Your deepest desires are trying to speak.
And then we can turn those wishes into action, and build the life we want.
Thanks for reading.
Remember—emotional regulation is a skill that you can learn.
I have a course I developed called How to Process Your Emotions, where I teach over 30 skills to help resolve depression, anxiety, and intense emotions.
Members get this, along with 9 other courses, as part of their monthly subscription. Or you can buy the course on its own and have lifetime access to it. Click the picture below.
