In this post, you’ll learn about cognitive distortion of discounting the positive.
Depression isn’t just feeling sad, it’s actually not being able to feel much happiness. Good things happen and you feel nothing. Nothing excites you anymore, food doesn’t taste good, someone tells you they love you and you think, “Yeah, but you probably just said that because you’re family”. It’s hard to care about anything.
Where does this come from? Today you’re going to learn about a cognitive distortion that makes it super hard for you to feel happy. And of course, what to do about it.
Our brains are always interpreting the world around us, trying to make sense of it all. Sometimes our brain takes shortcuts, especially when we’re emotional, and researchers have found that there are some common ways that these thoughts get distorted. Sometimes we jump to the worst possible conclusion “This mole is cancer!” and other times we blame ourselves for things that aren’t our fault “If I hadn’t made him mad, he wouldn’t have hit me” When we learn to noticing these thoughts, we can replace them with something healthier, this is a core piece of CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, and it’s been shown to be really helpful for people with depression or anxiety. And today I’m going to teach you one way to do it on your own.
Let me give you a little example. Let’s say you love a sports team, let’s just say it happens to be Argentina’s football team, and you believe they’re the best team in the world. when they win…what do you say? “It’s because Messi is amazing, it’s because Angel di Maria is incredible” it’s because …you come up with a bunch of reasons why they’re amazing. But if they lose? I mean you still believe they’re the best team in the world, so why did they lose? “They didn’t get enough sleep, the Refs were biased, the coaching was terrible”, you selectively ignore some things, (like how old they are, or how they played) and focus on others(Dibu has the best mental game in PKs) to maintain your belief that they are the best team in the world.
Our brains do this all the time, without us noticing. And ….
Discounting the Positive (the Yes, but…)
Discounting the positive is a common cognitive distortion where people ignore, dismiss, or explain away the good things that happen to them. You’ll often hear it called “Yes, but…” reasoning. This isn’t a conscious choice, it’s more like a reflex or a habit, but here’s what it looks like:
- Someone gives you a compliment, and you brush it off “Oh, you’re probably just being nice”. You think “They probably just feel sorry for me” “I’m just doing my job”
- Discounting the positive. Yeah, I just got a promotion, but…“someone else is probably got the offer but didn’t want the job”. I won the award, but that was just a fluke. “You’re so kind” Being kind is just what I’m supposed to do. Good things happen, and your brain finds some way to discount it.
David Burns, the grandfather of CBT, describes discounting the positive as one of the most “spectacular mental illusions”:
“You don’t just ignore positive experiences, you cleverly and swiftly turn them into their nightmarish opposite. I call this “reverse alchemy”. The medieval alchemists dreamed of finding some method for transmuting the baser metals into gold. If you have been depressed, you may have developed the talent for doing the exact opposite – you can instantly transform golden joy into emotional lead”. (Burns, 1981) here’s a few more ways you discount the positive:
- Dismissing your wins– What do you say to yourself when you live up to your standards, or achieve one of your goals? Sure, I got out of bed, took a shower, got ready for the day, and went to work- but any idiot can do that, I am just the idiot who that’s hard for. I’m such a loser. I haven’t achieved anything in life. “It’s true that I passed the test, but that’s only because it was easy”
- Downplaying anything nice. (What a beautiful sunset. It’s probably pollution from humans destroying the earth) (What pretty flowers. They’ll be dead in a few weeks when it gets hotter) your brain has a habit of just uno reversing anything nice. Eeyore
- Actively pushing away a support system a friend invites you over “They just feel sorry for me. I won’t be any fun. They have to do that, they’re my siblings. They feel obligated. I’m just a burden”
- Downplaying your accomplishments (and focusing on your failures) You spend hours making the perfect gift for a family member and they rave over it, but you point out the flaws and tell them what’s wrong with it. “It’s not as good as it could be”.
Depression might have had its root in a tragic event, overwhelming obstacles or trauma, but after that event has passed, discounting the positive is the mental reflex that keeps fueling depression! It’s the mental habit that keeps you feeling sad, even when good things happen.
This doesn’t just fuel depression it can also fuel: (List title: Discounting the Positive can fuel: first item is Depression)
- Phobias (“I don’t care about statistics, airplanes aren’t really safe”)
Body Dysmorphia (you selectively focus on your perceived flaws, and ignore anything good about your body)
- Low Self-Esteem (I fail at everything),
- Relationship Problems (You NEVER take out the trash),
- Perfectionism (even if I got an A, I’m going to focus on the question I missed) and
- Social Anxiety (“Yeah, they invited me, but, they were probably just doing it to be nice”)
The good news is that you can change it, hang tight and I’ll show you how. But first let’s explore why we keep discounting the positive, even when it makes us so miserable.
So Why do we discount the positive?
Usually someone who’s depressed has been hurt so many times that it’s easier to stop hoping for good things to happen. You might hear them say “It’s better to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised than to hope for the best and get disappointed”.
But what happens when you keep expecting the worst? Confirmation bias means that our brain is going to look for evidence to prove ourselves right, even when it’s wrong.
This warps our thoughts into downplaying anything good that does happen, because feeling happy might set you up to get disappointed. It’s a feeble defense mechanism.
Yes, but….is like the trump card that always wins, it can always protect you by keeping you from ever feeling happy. It literally prevents good thoughts and feelings from coming in. And it keeps you believing that the world is worse than ever, that you’re worthless, and that other people are all jerks.
Why you might be more likely to do it than others: Sensitivity or having been hurt badly
This is an attempt to prevent hurt, to numb, to avoid feeling sad.
Vincent Van Gogh said “I don’t know if I’m extremely sensitive or if life is unbearable”. I think that a lot of people who develop depression are the beautiful, sensitive souls, who feel every emotion so deeply that they subconsciously start to numb themselves because they don’t know what to do with the pain of the world.
Better to expect the worst, than be disappointed. Rather aim low and hit it, I’m just going to expect the worst from my partner and maybe they’ll surprise me. You’re trying to protect yourself from hurt, but you’re fueling the hurt in the long run. Because you can’t selectively numb, when you try to numb the pain, you mostly just numb the joy.
Also, when we buy into these protective behaviors we create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you keep people at arms length, you’ll be more likely to be lonely. If you constantly tell yourself that you’re stupid, lazy, or defective, you start to believe it.
When you believe the thought “I’m no good, they just feel sorry for me, I’m such an idiot” Your nervous system responds with a physical shut-down response.
What you think influences how you feel and act. When you say this crap to yourself, you create your reality- a reality where you can’t accomplish much, where you’re a bad person living in a bad world. And everything feels bad.
More secondary gains
Researchers have also hypothesized that focusing on the negative might have helped our ancestors prepare for things like famine, plague, or other dangers. And sometimes highlighting the negative is a way to draw out compliments from others, to display modesty (which prevents “envious attacks”, or reduces the expectations of others, etc. (“Oh, this little thing?”)
Comment Below or write in your therapy notebook: How is discounting the positive affecting you, is it causing any problems? Does thinking this way align with your goals? Does it line up with the kind of person you want to be?
If you could learn to let the good in, how would your life change?
This is a really common cognitive distortion, and it’s not something you’re doing on purpose, but if we start to notice it, you can start to reverse it. Automatic thoughts pop into our minds, but we often don’t really notice them. We can learn to shift our attention like a spotlight, notice these thoughts and then remind ourselves. “Just because I think something doesn’t mean it’s true”
What to do about it.
1. Notice that you’re doing it:
- Start a little mood tracking, you could set an alarm to check in with yourself 3 times a day and see what you’re thinking.
- Start noticing your thoughts instead of believing them. This is called Cognitive defusion- “I’m discounting the positive again” I don’t have to believe this thought. “I’m having the thought that everything is awful” Hello mind, thanks for trying to keep me safe, but I don’t have to believe everything you say.
- Ask yourself- what am I ignoring? If I took off the discounting lenses, what else would I see? What evidence is there to your belief? Would you say the same thing about a friend?
This is a skill you can learn. Let’s experiment with something new and see how that makes you feel.
2. The next thing you’re going to do is start a daily practice.
3GT – The 3 Good Things exercise-
This is a really simple but powerful exercise. You write down three good things that you did that day. Do it every day, for at least 2 weeks. Studies show that practicing this exercise regularly, even for as little as 1-2 weeks, can lead to improvements in mood and well-being that last for 6 months or more. Rewiring your brain like this can be hard, especially when this is your defense mechanism, it’s the armor you’ve been wearing for so long. If trying these techniques doesn’t seem to be working you could:
- Write it down, even if you don’t believe it yet
- Pretend you’re someone that you care for, like a friend, write down what would count as good for them
- Write them down, even though you don’t fully believe them (yet!).
Gratitude Practice
Gratitude Practice is a little different- but you write about things you’re grateful for whether they have to do with yourself or outside of yourself. This is another powerful exercise for improving mood and treating depression and anxiety. It helps you switch from the scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset.
Both exercises help rewire the brain to focus on positive experiences, creating a more optimistic mindset. These will lay down the wiring in your brain to start feeling happy again.
3. Then you’re going to start to put it into action in daily moments.
- When someone compliments you:
Say thank you! You’re not allowed to say “Oh, you’re sweet” you’re not allowed to deny it or to compare, you have to let yourself be vulnerable and let that good stuff in, even if it’s just through some cracks in your armor. You’ve got to sit with that warm glow just a little.
Does the thought of that make you feel uncomfortable? Does it make you squirm a little? Can you sit with the good feelings (even if you’ve gotten better at sitting with the pain?) What if you can’t buy this? Pretend that you are someone you care about, like your child or your friend, and they just got this compliment, how would you want them to feel? Just play pretend for a minute that you let it sink in.
- When you get positive feedback- Save it! Store it! Display it!
I keep a collection of notes from my kids, I keep a folder in my google drive of thank you’s, and when I’m feeling burnt out or having a hard day, I open it up and read through it.
- When you have a success, big or small
Share it! Celebrate it! Spend time dwelling on it!
Next time you catch yourself seeing something nice, and then downplaying it-as in “What pretty flowers. Yeah, but…they’ll be dead in a few weeks” You could say
“Thank you negative mind for trying to protect me, but I’m ok.” …and shift your attention back to how beautiful things are. Just allow yourself to notice the good, emphasize the good, say it outloud. I know this can be hard, but with practice you can learn to defeat the cognitive distortions that are keeping you miserable.
OK, so there you have it. Discounting the positive is a cognitive distortion that keeps you from feeling happy. You can learn to notice that you’re doing it, make an intentional practice to allow the good in, say it out loud, reflect on it regularly, and you can rewire your brain to feel happy again and be healthier.
If you’ve watched to the end of this video, let’s practice right now: Congratulate yourself for trying to learn a little more. Say “good job me!”
K, thanks for watching!
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