This video covers a painful, but oh-so-important topic, Childhood Sexual Abuse also known as CSA.
I’ll do my best to not make it too triggering, because when we don’t talk about it, we contribute to keeping victims confused and ashamed.
That’s why I feel so strongly that I need to make this video, because I haven’t seen anyone else address this aspect of CSA. This video is for those of you who were sexually abused as children, who perhaps carry some shame because you had mixed and complicated feelings about that abuse. And what I mean by that is you were groomed, and maybe you liked or initiated some aspects of the situation, and now you perhaps feel ashamed, because you feel confused about whether you were a victim or a willing participant.
For example, one woman I worked with told me of their brother who was abused, but kept going back to the home where it happened, and he said he liked it. She didn’t understand why he could like any aspect of it, but this is actually a normal response when you’ve been groomed.
I think our collective silence about this topic leaves survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse feeling like they’re the only one who felt confused about their part in the abuse. That leads to shame that leaves them thinking that they’re broken, bad or deviant.
By the end of this video you’ll be able to understand how the complicated nature of Childhood sexual abuse leads to shame, and also, how to work through that.
Childhood Sexual Abuse Explained
CSA is far too common. At least 1 in 9 girls and 1 in 20 boys under the age of 18 experience sexual abuse or assault.
I think there’s a common, but false idea, that most CSA happens when a kid is forcibly held against their will or threatened with violence.
But that’s not the case, most CSA happens in a much more devious, manipulative way and I would say, is more harmful to your long-term self-esteem because you believe you were complicit. The abuser is usually a family member or friend, your parents may know and trust this person, they might be an authority figure. This can create a confusing mix of feelings, where love or trust coexists with feelings of betrayal and harm.
So let me be clear, even if you liked or initiated some aspect of the abuse, that is not a sign that it wasn’t abuse. Children cannot consent, and are never complicit in abuse. Kids just simply don’t have, they shouldn’t have the background, and context to really understand what is going on.
People also expect that in an abusive situation, the victim would respond with
- Fear
- Anger
- Repulsion or
- Freezing up
And children do experience this,
But also, perhaps it’s just as common for a child who is being abused:
- To be confused, not knowing what is going on, not understanding what’s happening, and
- To like the attention, Liking the affection. Of course this feels good to a kid.
- Being really curious
- Believing that you accidentally invited the abusive attention.
- Going along with it to be polite, (You’re not supposed to talk back to adults) The fawn response is a real survival response, it turns off certain thinking parts of your brain and resorts to appeasing your abuser, to keep yourself safe.
- Feeling numb or dissociated- again, a survival response – your brain detaches from the situation to protect you.
- Going back to the abuser because there’s treats, special treatment, some kind of privilege involved. It’s common for abusers to shower with gifts or praise as part of the grooming process, and the victim may believe that if they accepted the gift, that’s a sign of consent, that it’s their fault. (Which it isn’t by the way)
- Maybe you went along with the abuse because you’re told you’re special, have a gift, being praised for your body, or your “maturity”
- You might have been aroused, excited, or enjoyed it (and I want to be clear, it doesn’t matter if something feels good in the short term, it harms in the long run, it’s abuse).
- Maybe they even went back for more. The human body enjoys sensory stimulation, and that can be true even for pre-pubescent kids.
- When the situation doesn’t fit the stereotype of abuse, for example male victims, female perpetrators, or peer perpetrators, this can lead to extra shame and confusion.
- Keeping the abuse secret to protect others (“your mom will …feel really sad, hate you, never forgive you, won’t be able to handle it”) so kids keep the secret
- Hypersexuality is a common result of abuse. Maybe it’s the brain’s attempt to process what happened, or that sexual feelings get turned on early, or some other reason, but many people who experience early sexual abuse are more likely to engage in riskier sexual activities in the early teens.
- If abuse occurs over a prolonged period, it can become normalized in the victim’s life, leading to confusion about what constitutes healthy relationships and appropriate boundaries. They might minimize the severity of the abuse to protect themselves from the full emotional impact. When abuse happens over and over, It’s very common for CSA survivors to not even categorize it as abuse. They just thought that this is what every family is like, you have secrets, and it’s just normal.
I worked with a young adult who started seeing me right after she moved out of the house. She had been the victim of sexual abuse from a family member that went on for years. And while she knew that what had happened was wrong, the thoughts and feelings around it were so confusing. Because of her dysfunctional family situation, the abuser was the most supportive person in her life, her mother was emotionally abusive. Her abuser had, in other situations, treated her kindly and helped her with school, and told her how special she was. The other members of her family were awful to her, so even though she left the house, left the abuse and the environment, she initially still wanted a relationship with her abuser because it seemed better than being completely alone in the world.
After a few months of therapy, she was able to see how harmful and manipulative the abuse had been and she decided to cut him off, but it’s just really common for CSA to warp your experience, to make it confusing what is right and what is wrong, who you are, and what you’re not responsible for.
And all of these confusing feelings and experiences can lead to deep lasting feelings of guilt and shame.
It’s very common to believe that you were a willing participant or that you’re somehow to blame. Whether you come to this belief on your own, or the abuser tells you that it’s your fault, it’s not true. The brain often takes a shortcut with trauma to believe that it’s all your fault, I made a long video about this if you want to learn more.
And this can lead to shame, believing that you’re inherently bad, broken, dirty, that only a sick or defective person would go along with abuse- this is not true. You might think you have evidence for this as in: “Why did I go back? Why didn’t I kick and scream? Why didn’t I tell someone”. But this isn’t a sign that you are bad, or that it wasn’t abuse. The truth is that the brain has a bunch of weird survival mechanisms that kind of turn off logic and make you go along with abuse.
Therapy
Your childhood brain used these mental survival mechanisms to protect you. But the trauma may also have gotten your brain stuck in confusing thoughts and feelings of shame that have extended into your adult years. Luckily, you now have an adult brain that can begin to process and integrate the trauma that was caused by the abuse. Now is your chance to heal, and that can start by doing two things: (1) being honest about accountability and (2) letting go of shame.
So first, accountability. Can I just say again, if you were a child, it was abuse. Period. Full stop.
Even if you had mixed feelings, even if you continued to engage with it, liked an aspect of it, whatever, it was still abuse. There is no justification for what they did. It’s not your fault. It is the abuser’s responsibility. The person who was in a position of power is 100% responsible for what happened.
Second, let’s address shame. Shame is believing that you’re inherently, incurably bad, and that if people really knew who you are and what you’ve done, that they would be disgusted, that you have to hide yourself, your past, your feelings from others.
Sometimes, and far too often, when a victim does come forward to courageously tell what happened, people will minimize, dismiss, or ignore the abuse, or even blame the victim in favor of keeping the family secret. I am so sorry that more people don’t know how to treat your feelings with more care. Our society needs to be better at that.
But even more often, victims of CSA do this to themselves, shame lies to you, tells you that you’ll be rejected, that you’re unworthy of love., And if you believe it, that shame leads you to withdraw from people who care about you.
This is one of the most damaging aspects of trauma. When you believe shame’s lies, you don’t allow people to see your heart, and show you love even to your dark places, you always keep people at emotional arm’s length and because you keep hiding, you can’t heal.
The Lion King did a good job of portraying how shame creeps in with childhood trauma. In the story, Simba was playing in the gorge when he wasn’t supposed to, and his father was killed trying to save him. The perpetrator, his Uncle Scar, convinces him that it was his fault, and encourages him to run away, to hide, to believe the shame and isolate himself from his family. Several years later, When Nala reaches out to him, he can’t connect with her because he has this huge secret inside of him, he’s so afraid of being rejected that he keeps himself distant from them. He continues to numb himself and hide. But eventually, he faces his past, he tells the story of what happened, and reconnects with his family. As he continues to face what he fears, he learns the truth. (“I killed Mufasa”- Scar) it was never his fault after all. Scar is held responsible by the pride and order is restored to the circle of life.
And so, one of the first steps in healing is to find a supportive person- a therapist, friend or family member, to talk with about this. One of the amazing things about shame is that when we expose it to the light of truth, it can be seen for what it truly is- a lie. It feels so real that “I’m a bad person” but when you say it out loud, share it, you will probably find that you are actually a worthwhile human being, people love you, they aren’t disgusted by your past, but rather, hearing your story helps them love you even more. You are worthy of Love.
Summary
I know that childhood sexual abuse can seem confusing, complex and overwhelming, but I also know that when you get support, you really can work through it little by little, let go of shame, and grow into a stronger, healthier person. There are a lot of options for getting help: Support groups, individual therapy, learning more about abuse, or journaling can help you get started. There are practical steps, and a whole slew of alternative methods you can implement to continue your healing journey. I have a Trauma and PTSD playlist and a free course that can help you learn skills to work through trauma.
If you haven’t experienced sexual abuse as a child, I hope this video has opened your eyes to the fact that you probably know a lot of people who went through this trauma. So let’s be gentle with each other. And please share this video if you know of someone it might help.
If you’d like to access therapy resources, my sponsor BetterHelp.com makes it easy to find a therapist who you can see over your computer or phone. PsychologyToday (not a sponsor) has a great search tool to find a therapist in your area who meets your needs- and I have a free resource on my website- how to find a great therapist- whom you can afford. Links are in the description.
Learn how to process emotions by clicking the link below.
